Chapter Close?

It happened so fast. Her little body just changed almost instantaneously. We knew it was coming... minutes...hours.. maybe a few days tops. My birthday this year was celebrated at the hospice house while I held Adalynne and her limp body.  Holding her was like a flashback to her birth... cold, purple, and limp. Her breaths were so spaced out I had to stop using her breathing alarm or it would constantly go off. They told me this would happen. I knew all the steps leading up to... but it still hurt. Still scared me. I just wanted her comfortable and at peace. But I'll miss holding her every day. Our final day was probably the most beautiful day together. She slept with gammie all night and did just fine breathing. In the morning she continuously stopped taking a breath... 45 secs to minutes of space between breaths. I scooped her up put her in her stroller and took her out into the sunshine and she started breathing just fine. She "talked" to me all day when I would speak to her. We spent the whole morning and afternoon outside.  Anytime we would put her in the shade she would stop breathing. The second the sunshine hit her bare little ribcage she would take the biggest breath and sigh the sweetest relief. Eventually her and I went into one of the sunrooms at KBR and I opened the doors so she would hear the wind and she slept.... so peacefully.. I just watched her little chest rise and fall.. rise and fall.. the rhythm that kept me going for these past 9 months.  Every second watching for another. .. rise and fall... rise and fall... I decided to take her into our room and attempt a nap we had promised each other for a while. Not long after we snuggled up she stopped... no rise and fall... nothing... then she turned purple... I tried everything I had before.  Talking, tickles, wet cold cloths,  even sunshine and nothing. She would take a few gasps here and there. Then.. this cough came out of her body and I screamed, I knew it was happening. I was loosing her. My nurse came in and listened to her and I got the same look and sentence the moment she was born.. She has a heatbeat but no breathing.  Sally,  my nurse told me to call my few close ones to start our phonetree. She told me to just hold her... and I did... I cried and cried and held her and told her it was okay and another huge cough exited her frail body and that was it... or so I thought. I started our song to sing to her and she gasped for air.. one last time.  Then she turned the most beautiful color. And her eyes.. oh her big blue eyes that i miss more than anything.. they looked so peaceful.  So free. She looked so beautiful and peaceful. 

I miss my baby.

This is the hardest thing Ill probably ever go through in my life. Im so thankful for all my friends who came to see us at KBR. The funeral was so beautiful.  I am so proud of everyone involved. I honestly expected a far bigger turnout. I was hurt to not see some of my"friends" there... when things get rough in life we must remember the ones who were there. Yes. Social media is great and I love having that for my family far away. But the people who give up work to stay with you while you cry. Or take you to shop after shop trying on outfit after outfit because I wanted something specific and beautiful for our day. Those are the people I will remember.  The ones I looked at during my speech sitting alone or drove or flew from out of state to be there for me. The hole in my heart is now being replaced by these memories of true love and friendship. I will forever be grateful to experience some of this countys most beautiful people and to have them as part my family.