Christmas letter to my lost love.

Hey sweet baby,
I miss you
Last year we spent the night cuddled up together laying in my bed. I watched you peacefully drift to sleep and cherished that we had made it to Christmas together.  I got one Christmas with you. The best one of my whole life. You were my greatest gift. You morphed me into a superhuman I didn't know I could be.
   We woke up Christmas morning and opened your gifts together. I remember being so upset I couldn't buy you everything I wanted to give you. But you didnt care, you loved me regardless.  Our time together was your gift to me. Mine was to love and care for you unconditionally.  We were such a great team my sweet love. I wish I was putting you to bed and wrapping gifts for you to open in the morning with Ian. Mommy's heart hurts today babe.
   I keep a straight face to the world. Even my friends seem to forget sometimes. I don't want to see baby girl stuff. I still can't go into Targets baby section without my heart shattering into teeny pieces. Damn babe, some nights I can't even sit on this bed without my throat clenching while I blink back the tear waiting to pool and drop onto my cheeks.
  I was doing so well today. Then I stopped and turned and saw the tree I got you. I decorated it with some of your favorite things. I'll put it out for you every year and add more to it each time. It's beautiful and purple, which is our favorite,  obviously.  I know you love the cupcakes and butterflies on it. Gammie set up my village all around it. You know, because even our holiday world revolves around you. 😊

I really miss you.

Thank you for giving me the best memories of my life. You taught me so much in your short time with me. I promise I will never let your light stop shining. Everyone around me can forget but I wont. I will be at every Memorial service, candle light service, and walk to remember my body can take. I will never forget you Adalynne. I promised you I would give you All Of Me and I will never let you down.
Merry Christmas Adalynne Marcella, my true miracle and the best gift I could ever have gotten was waking up with you still breathing on December 25th 2014. I love you forever.

Love Mommy.

 

Shine brighter than a diamond

Hello sweet souls,

  Today is Worldwide Candle Lighting day for all the children across the world who have left our arms too soon. I found out about it just a few days ago and was relieved the Kate B Reynolds Hospice House was holding a candle ceremony.                    
  Last time I was here I ran in, dropped brownies off and left as quickly as I could. Before then... was the day I said goodbye to my warriors broken vessel and let her soul go free. I stood and watched the first sunset my baby girl could see. I remember it so clearly. Bright hues of pink, blue and purple beamed across the skyline. Filling my heart with hope I'd get through this. Reminding myself that she was now painfree and whole. I feel that feeling each time I look up in the sky. My heart still hurts though.
  I thought I would handle tonight so well. I'd light a candle, celebrate her light shining, it would be all good. Then, it came time for me to say her name out loud. I was among all these other families feeling a similar stinging ache in their souls but, saying her name.... I almost didn't get it out. I choked back big ugly sobs to speak the words.
Adalynne Marcella Scherer
Saying it out loud made it feel too real. A type of pain that I can't describe in words. Only the ones of us already known to this feeling understand.
  This was my first one of these types of things. I was extremely happy to have some of my support their with me. They spoke her name and shined her light with me. We cried together and then laughed at Ian who was ready for the doughnuts they served afterwards. He always keeps us laughing when we need it.
  Even though tonight was hard for me I know it will get easier each time.  Next time I'll be able to say her name with a little more ease. This hopefully will be the hardest one I go to. Maybe next time I'll be ready to speak to the other parents instead of holding my bear and breathing back tears. Maybe not, I'm not sure yet. For now, I'll get through each day the best I can. I'll strive to shine the light of my warrior baby each day.
Have a good night sweet souls. Hug your babies tight for me and all the parents who can't tonight. 

Much love,
Heather.

Tick-tock

  Tonight is one of those nights where my mind won't stop and my heart is heavy. Tonight, I scooped up my babybear like I used to hold my baby. I held her head and stroked her back, just like I used to with my baby. We have been laying in bed snuggling while, silent tears run down my face, just like I used to with my baby. It feels the same, yet so different.  Adalynne and I used to be up for hours on end throughout the night. Working through breathing episodes and seizures. Id spend my nights trying to get her to eat maybe 2 ozs over 3 hours, most of the time she would throw it all back up..on me. #Vomsquad Then, we would lay together and snuggle and I'd kiss her all over. She would sigh at me, like the diva she was. I would lay there and silent cry, thinking this could be my last moment with my warrior earthside. Now, I lay here and cry wishing for one more moment.
  Days have gotten easier but, the nights.... oh the nights when I lay alone in my bed are the worst. I still look over for her crib even through its been over 6 months since she was in it. I hear squeaks in our wooden floors and panic thinking "oh no, the breathing episode is starting" but, it's not. It's quiet... and lonely...
   Tonight, I snuggle my bear and try to feel her again. I don't know how parents live after the loss without something to hold on to. This bear holds my hand, and heals my heart. I gave my baby's body to our hospice nurse and she returned to me in this bear. I'm so thankful for my bear...

But damnit I miss my baby.

Tonight is now tomorrow and tomorrow will be better. Deep breaths till I fall asleep, holding my bear as I do everynight. Grief knows no time limit and doesn't care if you're exhausted and fed up with crying. Let it happen naturally and then march on.

All my love readers,

From one sad mommy tonight.