Tick-tock

  Tonight is one of those nights where my mind won't stop and my heart is heavy. Tonight, I scooped up my babybear like I used to hold my baby. I held her head and stroked her back, just like I used to with my baby. We have been laying in bed snuggling while, silent tears run down my face, just like I used to with my baby. It feels the same, yet so different.  Adalynne and I used to be up for hours on end throughout the night. Working through breathing episodes and seizures. Id spend my nights trying to get her to eat maybe 2 ozs over 3 hours, most of the time she would throw it all back up..on me. #Vomsquad Then, we would lay together and snuggle and I'd kiss her all over. She would sigh at me, like the diva she was. I would lay there and silent cry, thinking this could be my last moment with my warrior earthside. Now, I lay here and cry wishing for one more moment.
  Days have gotten easier but, the nights.... oh the nights when I lay alone in my bed are the worst. I still look over for her crib even through its been over 6 months since she was in it. I hear squeaks in our wooden floors and panic thinking "oh no, the breathing episode is starting" but, it's not. It's quiet... and lonely...
   Tonight, I snuggle my bear and try to feel her again. I don't know how parents live after the loss without something to hold on to. This bear holds my hand, and heals my heart. I gave my baby's body to our hospice nurse and she returned to me in this bear. I'm so thankful for my bear...

But damnit I miss my baby.

Tonight is now tomorrow and tomorrow will be better. Deep breaths till I fall asleep, holding my bear as I do everynight. Grief knows no time limit and doesn't care if you're exhausted and fed up with crying. Let it happen naturally and then march on.

All my love readers,

From one sad mommy tonight.