It's been two years since Adalynne's surgery and on my memories, the photo below popped up. It triggered some thoughts.
I remember scooping you up, your body was so cold even with all the warm blankets snug around you. I bobbed and weaved through all the wires and cords, my heart would race and then, skip. Eager to hold you to my chest but, fearful I would hurt you. Your teeny skull was concaved in from the lack of brain tissue and, fluid. I remember feeling the fluid slosh around like a bottle turned upside down. Or when you drank too much water too fast and your tummy sloshed about.
You would let out these heartbreaking whimpers that crushed me to hear. I needed to hold you, you needed me to hold you. We untangled ourselves and slowly, steadily settled into our chair. In this moment I thought my heart would burst from my chest! It was beating so fast and then... peace. I took a huge breath of air, soaking in the moment. I had waited a very long time to hold you. That was the longest time we ever went without our embrace I think. Until now of course.
You seemed to be happy after we settled. I talked to you and sang our song. Reminding you, I would give you all of me. "All of me loves all of you"... "All your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections"... Remember I'd dance with you in my belly and rub over our womb as I sang that to you.
We starred at each other that day as I sang.. "what's going on in that beautiful mind, I'm on your magical mystery ride".. I'd always tear up on "And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me but, I'll be alright."
I tried so hard to accept that line. I'll be alright. I didn't know if I would be. I just had to be, for you. Especially this day. I had to be alright, for you, my sweet, sweet baby.
I can close my eyes and relive this memory. The way your head felt different and your eyes were no longer pulled open. Your little sassy sighs when I begged you to eat, just a little bit. The way the iodine made your red hair even brighter but, I was too scared to wipe it off, you were in so much pain. I found a strength in that hospital I didn't know I had. I knew everything you needed, some of the nurses tried to be the boss... hahaaha poor women hadn't met a mama bear like me I guess.
Being your mommy was the moment I had waited for my whole life. I never felt more like myself than when I was taking care of you, my baby.
I'm so happy your no longer in pain. I try to celebrate your freedom without the aching to hold my number one babe. Thank you for teaching me more about life than I could've ever learned in a classroom or job.
You would let out these heartbreaking whimpers that crushed me to hear. I needed to hold you, you needed me to hold you. We untangled ourselves and slowly, steadily settled into our chair. In this moment I thought my heart would burst from my chest! It was beating so fast and then... peace. I took a huge breath of air, soaking in the moment. I had waited a very long time to hold you. That was the longest time we ever went without our embrace I think. Until now of course.
You seemed to be happy after we settled. I talked to you and sang our song. Reminding you, I would give you all of me. "All of me loves all of you"... "All your curves and all your edges All your perfect imperfections"... Remember I'd dance with you in my belly and rub over our womb as I sang that to you.
We starred at each other that day as I sang.. "what's going on in that beautiful mind, I'm on your magical mystery ride".. I'd always tear up on "And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me but, I'll be alright."
I tried so hard to accept that line. I'll be alright. I didn't know if I would be. I just had to be, for you. Especially this day. I had to be alright, for you, my sweet, sweet baby.
I can close my eyes and relive this memory. The way your head felt different and your eyes were no longer pulled open. Your little sassy sighs when I begged you to eat, just a little bit. The way the iodine made your red hair even brighter but, I was too scared to wipe it off, you were in so much pain. I found a strength in that hospital I didn't know I had. I knew everything you needed, some of the nurses tried to be the boss... hahaaha poor women hadn't met a mama bear like me I guess.
Being your mommy was the moment I had waited for my whole life. I never felt more like myself than when I was taking care of you, my baby.
I'm so happy your no longer in pain. I try to celebrate your freedom without the aching to hold my number one babe. Thank you for teaching me more about life than I could've ever learned in a classroom or job.
I cry and sometimes yell, to just hold you. As many times as I say I'm alright, I'm not entirely. I miss you so so so so much. I always will Adalynne Marcella.
"My heads under water but, I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and, I'm out of my mind"
All my love
Mommy.
Mommy.
