Floatin'

  I saw your wings in the sky last night. It was just for a brief moment through the trees. The clouds aligned perfectly with the sun creating a gorgeous view that looked as though the sun had huge feathered wings wrapped around the sky. I didn't catch a photo, I know that moment was just for me. But, I did chase down the sunset and snap of photo of the beauty. Those moments are forever reminding me that, you're okay. 
   Me, on the other hand..... not so much. Today is your day of birth. Three whole years ago we met and the universe changed. Your arrival brought a new found strength for us all. Hence the day  Warrior Day. To not only celebrate you but reminding us all that we became stronger that day too. I hope others are feeling strong today.
   I am not. I do not feel strong today. Quite the opposite actually. Nothing has gone how it was supposed to. None of my plans for my life have happened and I'm left standing here wondering what the heck I am even doing. I feel like I'm floating, afraid to move because I know a fall is coming. Every single thing in my life has fallen apart these past years. Nothing makes sense, nothing I'm doing is enough. It is suffocating. The strength I used to feel as your mom, I no longer feel. I was a silver lining kinda gal. No matter how shitty a situation I ALWAYS found a silver lining. I can't seem to find a damn one anymore. I don't write, I don't dance, I don't travel... and for the life of me, I can't find the light at the end of this dark ass tunnel. I know it's there, I'm pretty sure it's just a long way away from me.
   I should be happy. I should have a successful job. I should have my own place. And I could list a whole lot more of the things I "should have" by now. None of it's happening. I just feel lost. Completely and utterly lost. No-one knows, but you. For the whispered conversations we have after everyone is asleep, I tell you it all. I have no adventure or excitement anymore. Today, I wanted to wake up and drive straight to the mountains. I wanted to look out, see the rolling hills and valleys, study the way the earth was formed millions of years ago and feel..... insignificant or maybe..connected. I can't tell which I'd feel sitting in my dark bedroom currently. I just know that's all my soul wants. But, it's not gonna happen because we both know moms car is a piece of shit and won't make it. Or if we did it wouldn't start along the way and we would be stranded on the side of the road, once again. At least now I don't have to worry about you dying in the back seat of my car on the side of I40 (you and your dad can laugh at that one)
  I know this has to be the worst birthday message a mom could send her little girl on her third birthday. I'm sorry. But, life as a baby-less mother is hard as fuck. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here shrimp. I only want to make you proud... I'm trying but nothing is seeming to work. I'm just floating and missing you extra.

All of me
loves all of you
All your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections

You and me Babe. I just gotta trust you'll help me figure it all out. Thank you for making me a mother 3 years ago. Thank you for fighting as hard as you did that day to breathe. Thank you for our beautiful memories together. And thank goodness I have my Adalynne bear to talk to you through. You're my ace boon coon and Ill love you forever. Happy Birthday Adalynne Marcella, The Noble, Beautiful, Young Warrior. May your light shine always.

With all my love

Your crazy mom.

Smile for the camera?

This post was inspired by my memories on my facebook page, the photo is at the bottom.

EEEKKKKK. THIS was the ONLY time I ever saw her smile!!!! And I freaking caught it on camera!!!! #MOMWIN
**back story time**
   We had a rough night beforehand and, an even rougher day. I believe it was a Tuesday, that's when our hospice nurse Lisa came.  This beautiful photo below was after a three-hour episode. Three hours of her struggling to breathe and probably one long seizure or maybe several, we will never know. Thankfully our hospice nurse came in the afternoon while the episode was still going on...
   After I had told her what had been happening she gave me a look I had been waiting for. You see, we had been prepared for the moment I would need to use her seizure medicine Versed; it can be dangerous and we didn't know how it would affect her, I was scared it would make her stop breathing for good. I had been trained how to use it, holding it upside down quickly pushing it to spray the medicine into her nose. We had gone over when to use it but, I was wary of the side effects so we had it for emergency only. That day, was the emergency.
   After Lisa and I talked we decided it was time to try the Versed. She shot the medicine up her nose and Adalynne did not like it one bit. 10 minutes of my heart racing waiting for my baby to die right then she started to calm.. she settled and then, her little cheek would twitch up into a smile.  I never saw her smile. Never saw much happiness or emotions (except when I took her out of the bath or stopped playing rap music in the car) this one moment.. for a beautiful second I was able to see her smile after watching her suffer tremendously for several hours... I'll never forget how my heart danced watching her. It was our silver lining to a dangerous and scary day. She always let me know she was okay. She still does to this day.

To my sweet girl, I'll see you in the sunset tonight. I'll kiss you in my dreams. I'll love you with every breath this vessel gives to me. I'll never stop smiling for you.