I have been feeling pretty happy as of recent. Some people close have told me I've been doing really great. They pointed out I hadn't had any massive breakdowns in the past few months. Upon reflection, I grasped they might be right. I've been keeping focused on making new memories and staying busy. I'm still gardening and loving it. I've thought about blogging about my experiences and tips but, I don't know if any of you are interested in growing new celery from celery stalks you already have in your fridge. So, I've been holding off.
I also, got a job working with some really cool people. It keeps me extremely busy and, I enjoy it quite a bit. I've learned staying busy helps keep the grief at bay. Most days I can power through the meetings and, talking with people while my mind churns out all my new information that I've learned. That was, of course until, an older woman at an event asked me if I had children.. my mind went into overdrive thinking **I've prepared my answer, I know exactly what to do in this situation,remain calm and say.."no" -uhh what. That was not what I had planned. Not at all, I realized I lied. I lied about my daughter. My heart screamed YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER. The immediate grief and shame that overcame me almost knocked me down.
I sucked in a huge breath of air and, it stung my throat down to my lungs, setting them on fire. I grudgingly took another breath and, calmed my mind. It was at that moment I understood why. I was here to discuss this business, not my personal life. I didn't want this women to drop her mouth in horror and tell me how sorry she was that this happened. That's what they all do, I knew this elder who was daunting about her wonderful grandbabies would do that. Maybe even try to hug me. But, I didn't need that then. I needed to stay focused on my team and why we were there.
I've cried about this exchange so many times since then. Even reflecting on it now brings hot tears to the corner of my eyes. They're dancing there while I type eager to drop to my cheeks. Luckily I've learned a tip. Blinking, a whole freaking lot keeps those suckers in there. Also, all my years of eye rolling finally have came to good use.
I know that I'll have more of these moments and each time I'll do a quick assessment of the situation to decide how to answer. I give up the notion that I can predict the future and know each situation I'll be in. I still wish people would not even ask that question... what's it matters to them anyway? Either way, I'm stuck wondering if I did right by my girl.
I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm awesome and loves me regardless. She sends me butterflies and plays our song to me on the radio right when I need it. I sing to her and smile at the sky. Feeling her love engulf me while the sun warms my face and chest.
I'm pretty proud of myself. Other than that little moment I've genuinely been really happy and feeling like I've got over the hardest parts of grieving. Hopefully now, I can continue to take the moments that remind me of her and, smile. I'll think of her soft cheeks and the little sighs and feel joy that I was able to experience that. Not sadness. The little moments of Sneaky grief will come, I welcome them. My mind says "bring it on, I have a bag of tricks to defeat you" those little moments of sadness make me appreciate my happiness so much more.
Much love to all of my readers who,have stuck by me through this indescribable journey. Hope your day is filled with love. All my love beautiful souls.
