Letter to my sweetest

Dear Adalynne Marcella, 

  The year mark of loosing you is quickly approaching. I find myself reminding my brain that we've been 361 days (and counting) seizure free. 361 days with no breathing episodes. 361 days with no morphine or versed needed. But, the grief always sneaks in.... it's still been 361 days since I've been able to hold your earth body or smell your skin. 361 days since I've been able to kiss you and cuddle. Or giggle at your sweet little sighs when I turn off the rap music and take too many pictures.  I knew we'd depart but, I'd still have to carry on. The dreaded fate I stand face to face with and continue to battle each day.
  You're gorgeous blue eyes are burned into my memory. Like, an endless candle flame lighting the way to hope.  Hope. I have found its glimmer once more. I am learning that even though we couldn't donate to three babies, there is hope for us. Hope for me.  I promised you I'd never stop dancing for you, I won't my sweet. I promise now, to keep my eyes open to hope. To be able to find a new meaning of purpose.  It's taken me so long to start to get over of the anger and heartbreak of the "sorry to inform you but, your donation wasn't excepted" letter.  I'm eager to find a new purpose now. One, that fills my heart with as much love as your warm hugs did.  

  361 days of freedom for you and, even on my weakest moments.... I will celebrate your freedom. I chose to put your well-being and comfort first from the moment you were born. And, I will celebrate your freedom and peace every day, forever.  You are the light of my life and, always seem to find a new way to shine to me.  

All my love in the world babe,

 your omnibenevolent mommy.  

Rush hour

I've taken a break from wrighting. Quite a long one I'd say. I needed to let my heart heal a little more, find some peace and solace in life without Adalynne physically here. So much has happened in the few months. Too much in my opinion. At the end of this month... it will have been 1 year since I lost her. A whole damn year and I still sit crying on my floor some days. I thought being prepared for our departure would make it easier. It doesn't. I've met a lot of mama's online who, have lost their babies as well. All of our stories are different but, our pain is quite the same. I find strength in these courageous women but, can't make it to meet them yet. I still feel I'm too sore to talk somedays. Some seem so much braver than I am. They found a way to honor their babies. A purpose in this loss, one I'm still searching for. I don't think any part of me will be healed until I figure that part out.

I'm not rushing myself anymore though. I've learned that in order to "heal" I must allow myself time to do that. I cut out people that tried to rush me faster than my heart could handle. Everyone is so quick to tell you to just be happy and then dissappear once you get sad. Or tell me to hide in a room as to not upset others. I don't really like that mentality so, I'm staying away from those ones. I feel like I've been saying I'm not rushing myself for quite some time. Yet, I still find myself working on that. It's a process, I guess. Maybe if I say it enough I'll continue to follow it... one can hope! Haha

I seriously can't believe it's just about been a whole damn year. I've had more days without her than with her.. bless. I still have things of hers laying around. The ones I still can't bear to deal with. My breast pump, took me 6 months to get it out of my room... It has now sat almost another 6 months, patiently waiting near the door. I keep thinking, one day I'll be brave enough to take it out.  I have about 5 bags filled with her morphine and seizure meds in a basket hiding from my sight. Making sure I always had her pain medication, that was keeping her pain free was essential to my life... and I still find syringe caps all over the place.

I'm proud of myself too, I've come along way from crying over her crib while I slid it out of my room. A task that took me 45 minutes of hysterical sobbing. I can see her old spoons or baby food and not cry anymore. I just smile and think of her sweetness. And her little mouth, just a smacking away. *MamaSwoon*  damn, she was/is so freaking adorable. Still don't know what's the best way to refer to those type of things but, whatever. I'm rolling with the newfound weirdness that has become, my life. 

It's been a crazy Rollercoaster and it's not even close to being over. This month will bring emotions out I probably have hidden for awhile. I'm extremely looking forward to spending a few days this month at remembrance events with all of Adalynne's (and mine) favorite people. I'm learning these events are crucial to my sanity. I'm reminded she isn't forgotten and how amazing of a support system I have. And thankfully, no one left is rushing me anymore. I'm a happier woman this way

Love you all, thanks for reading my crazy thoughts and feelings blurted on a screen.
Much love, sweet souls. Have a splendid day/night.