Letter to my sweetest

Dear Adalynne Marcella, 

  The year mark of loosing you is quickly approaching. I find myself reminding my brain that we've been 361 days (and counting) seizure free. 361 days with no breathing episodes. 361 days with no morphine or versed needed. But, the grief always sneaks in.... it's still been 361 days since I've been able to hold your earth body or smell your skin. 361 days since I've been able to kiss you and cuddle. Or giggle at your sweet little sighs when I turn off the rap music and take too many pictures.  I knew we'd depart but, I'd still have to carry on. The dreaded fate I stand face to face with and continue to battle each day.
  You're gorgeous blue eyes are burned into my memory. Like, an endless candle flame lighting the way to hope.  Hope. I have found its glimmer once more. I am learning that even though we couldn't donate to three babies, there is hope for us. Hope for me.  I promised you I'd never stop dancing for you, I won't my sweet. I promise now, to keep my eyes open to hope. To be able to find a new meaning of purpose.  It's taken me so long to start to get over of the anger and heartbreak of the "sorry to inform you but, your donation wasn't excepted" letter.  I'm eager to find a new purpose now. One, that fills my heart with as much love as your warm hugs did.  

  361 days of freedom for you and, even on my weakest moments.... I will celebrate your freedom. I chose to put your well-being and comfort first from the moment you were born. And, I will celebrate your freedom and peace every day, forever.  You are the light of my life and, always seem to find a new way to shine to me.  

All my love in the world babe,

 your omnibenevolent mommy.