Bless

Today I am so incredibly thankful for Carolina Donor Services. I received information today for Adalynne's heart values and tissue that was donated. I hope one day I can reach out to the ones that received our donation to tell them about our sweet warrior. How brave and strong she was and so beautiful. Even though opening a package from them is bittersweet I am so blessed that we were able to hopefully save three babies and three mothers from ever feeling the pain I go through each and every day. This package, this opportunity, is makes it all worth it to me. I hope this will help a family someday. Until then, thank you all for your vast amount of support and love. And for the positive feedback I receive from you all. It keeps me going on my bad days.
My life has been a whirlpool of devastation for two years (longer probably). It seems as soon as I start to stand firm and strong it blows me right down again. I've learned that I can put one foot behind me to lean on when those blows happen. Even if I fall, I can get back up. I do not know the correct way to go through life. I do know that I've been through hell and back and watching my daughters last breath escape her frail body is the bottom. I do not claim to be a perfect person or to go through life happy-go-lucky. I am human. Life is hard. I do not ever wish to spread negativity but people must realize life isn't all ice cream and glitter. Sometimes your cookies burn, ice cream melts and, glitter gets in your eye, and all you can do is cry in an ice cream puddle to get the glitter out. That is okay my friends. Be angry, or sad, or happy. Always remember this WILL pass.  You are strong and bold and unique. I am not here to shine bright like a diamond, because they need to be cleaned too. Not many people really know all the blows I've suffered in my life and if you did you'd look at me like they do.. (wow, you're still standing here smiling) Sometimes, my buns too tight and I'm mean and angry at everyone. I'm sorry, but that's me right now. I wish I could take these feelings away and be strong and happy every second, but I cant. I have accepted the facts I have severe mood swings. Thanks to the pamphlet from the funeral home I learned it's called grief. I stayed positive and strong for a long time with a half fake smile on my face for my daughter. I miss her more than anything in this world. And I'm fucking angry, I want to scream how not fair this is. What did I do to deserve this?!?! Why, why, why!!!!!
The answer is nothing. The voice of her neurosurgeon pops into my head "heather, you can list off all types of things, I'm still going to look at you and say it's a freak thing that happens. A one in a million chance." That's life, shit things happen to people with no reason why. I'd like to say "I won't let this define me" but, I will. This will forever define me as a person. When people ask if I have children I have to decide to answer honestly or lie. I am not a liar, I lost my baby. She was beautiful and very sick and is at peace now. I won't be okay and I'm alright with that. I've said from the start I will try to find and spread as much positivity in the big bowl of shit I can. I will continue to do that. Somehow, someway I'll find my way again. I'll stand tall and make her proud. During this time I will allow myself to feel what it needs to and accept and honor myself and my family(including friends.)
Thank you all for loving me unconditionally. I have learned some can't handle my negative days. These are people I do not need in my life. Please let me be hurt and sad and happy when I am. I don't need to feel like I'm grieving in some wrong way. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just trying to get through life the best I can.

Stay beautiful, loving and kind my readers.
All my love in the world
-Heather

Late posts

Hello all.
It's been a little bit since I've written, had a lot going on. I ventured to Tennessee last week. We walked around Gatlinburg; explored Dollywood, shopped a little, and then went to Cherokee for a day. I had a blast and the view of the mountains made it even better. I always feel better when I look at the world's beauty and remember my girl can see it all now...
July 10th, the day my world changed last year. I had spent 40 hours in labor and finally got to meet this tiny warrior. I remember it all, the look on the doctors face when she came out limp and purple. I grabbed her and yelled "my baby!" Like everyone in the room didn't just watch her literally come from me... still thought they needed to know I guess. But, I held my sweet, sweet newborn and sang to her for almost 10 minutes or an eternity it felt like  I gave her my everything, and then she cooed with me. Finally breathing. Something most people don't know is I cried almost my entire labor. I cried when they told me to push, I told them no. I didn't want to push, I didn't want to start the journey of loosing her. She was safe in my belly, she would flip and dance all she wanted when i played music to her. I didn't want her to loose that, and even more I didn't want to loose her. That was a Rollercoaster of a day. And on the 1 year mark of it was just as hard. I chose to do something else than have a "my baby would've been a year old" I decided to call it warrior day. I want my family, friends, and myself to not have to be sad every year on July 10th. I want us to celebrate her life, and the change it made on us all. It wasn't the just the day she was born it was the day we all changed for the better. All of our lives dramatically changed, the universe shifted and it churned out a group of strong as bull humans. We are all warriors in our own way and now, we will celebrate that every year. Also, we will have cupcakes to honor my sweet, sweet baby and her extreme love of them.  Our first Warrior Day was spent at Rich Park with all the people who loved her the most. And I'm sure they love me the most as well. I couldn't do it without my family, and in this past year that word has expanded so much. I couldnt be happier that I found a group of people to call family so young. I have a lifetime ahead of me and I know I'll always have these friends to be there when I fall to pick me back up, or sit on the floor and cry with me. I look forward to going through lifes struggles and successes with them all.

I didn't get much pictures of our warrior day. Maybe some others did. All my love to you guys. Thanks for keeping up with me.