Today. We started out sleeping in a bit and woke up and ate and amdalynne fell back asleep and I started on the much needed winter cleaning session of our room. I tackled a good bit going through clothes and doctors paperwork getting things organized again. Most people know if you dont stay on top of the cleaning and organization it becomes this huge disaster leaving you standing in the rumple going "uh I dont even know where to start" yep. That was me, I just closed my eyes and picked a spot and went ham. Until I picked up this pink box. I remember this box from long ago. 6 months and 10 days ago i was given this beautiful hand painted box. It held Adalynnes baby hat and various other items from that big day. It had become filled with random things over time. As i started going through it I picked up her hat. Inside still red from the fresh womb life. I flashed back to laying there with my limp purple baby in that white hat listening to her struggle to take every breath. I felt the panic of needing my brothers and dad there before the inevitable fate of my baby dying in my arms. I remember watching her have a sezuire in my aunts arms while she turned blue and stalling every time I went to the bathroom because I couldnt stop starring at her from fear. I relived every feeling of that day from that box. I started to repack things and found this beautiful note at the bottom from the woman that hand painted it, sending her love and prayers to us. I wonder if she knows how important this box is to me. As much crying and fear and panic that ensued after touching its contents I love that damn box. I (excuse my language) fucking survived that day. We fucking did it Adalynne. I put all her things from that time in that beautiful pink box knowing the next time I open it, I will feel all that over again but, she will probably be gone by then. I know I'll love that pink box even more next time. Its crazy to me we have made it 6 months and I don't know how much more time we have. Everyday could be the "day."
*next morning*
Fear- I use to fear everything. If I walk out of the room what will happen? Will she die in the car where I can't see her until we have arrived at our destination? If she falls asleep anywhere but her cradle how will I know if she stops breathing without her alarm? As much progress as I've made in becoming comfortable living in this fear, its still there. I have accepted fear. We are.... acquaintances to say the least. It's okay to set her down and go to the bathroom, or go fix myself something to eat. I know that when the time comes, then it comes. I think about the future much more now. Of course there are moments when I see these mom and daughter things that pangs my heart like an arrow. I see all my friends babies growing up, holding their head up, crawling, walking. I wish for those things. But... I hear all of you wishing your baby would stay little forever. I have had a newborn for 6 months basically. And the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I have learned that every parent goes through different trials and tribulations. What I fear may not be what another mom fears but we all fear for the safety of our precious cargo. Sometimes its very hard to watch all these children around Adalynne develop while we have decreased in our abilties. She no longer can suck on a bottle or hold her head up at all. Her arms and legs really only move when I move them during our "Jane Fondas" or when she is having an episode and she flails. Its hard when people ask to have "play dates" because we dont "play" I have stuffed animals and toys that she will never use just sitting in a basket for looks now. Somedays man this sucks. Like sucks hard. And then.. I get a message about how we have changed your lives. How you cherish your children more. Or a call from the organ donors who told me she can donate her heart valves to THREE different children. The sucky parts get outweighed by the postive things. It makes it worth it.
I finished cleaning and now I am left with the clean laundry to fold and put away.
Why do we have to be fashionistas and have a ton of clothes.
After this I deserve some wine and a face mask.
Anyways, much love to you all. I opened that box and had to write instantly. Thank you to everyone. Another one soon I promise.
