December 13th, 2015... that was my first event and definitely the hardest. It was a special event for families that had lost children. I didn't speak to anyone and could hardly say her name in the circle. I choked on huge sobs as her name attempted to escape my throat. But, I walked away feeling slightly better and stronger.
Flash forward to last night's event. I felt happiness walking the garden. It's bittersweet happiness of course, because, I miss Adalynne so much I can't breathe sometimes. Then I remember, her soul is free from her broken vessel. I walked through the luminaries that lit up the pathways I used to walk with a stroller and an oxygen mask tucked underneath. As I walked around the zen garden taking in the beautiful view I spilled coffee all down the front of me. Like, seriously from my shirt, vest, leggings, leg warmers, and my damn shoes. A long line of warm (at first coffee) I headed to a bathroom to try and dry off some. My path leads me to the stairs. As I went down them I remember a specific memory from Adalynne's stay at the hospice house...
It was a Wednesday, we had a cookout with all our friends and family. One of my friends was holding her and I glanced at Adalynne's face.... she had turned blue once again.. I scooped her up and, went into action. I did everything I normally did when she stopped breathing and then, she eventually started back, little tiny breaths. I put the oxygen mask back on her to help her teeny breaths be as rich as possible. I was sitting on a bench, surrounded by our closest family and friends. My brothers were beside me, and I just lost it. I sobbed and sobbed... they put their arms around me and we all cried together. It was heartbreaking and beautiful. I finally gathered myself and the party continued.
Eventually, she stopped breathing again and I decided it was time to take her back inside. I had her in my arms, my favorite hospice nurse was beside me with the oxygen. As I headed for the stairs fearful of her death my body gave out.. I collapsed to the ground while everyone scurried to us trying to help. I held my dying baby sobbing on the concrete, I couldn't do it anymore. My aunt asked, "Heather, what can I do?!" I yelled" SAVE MY BABY" my eyes poured tears as I could feel my heart breaking even more...
Flash forward to last night's event. I felt happiness walking the garden. It's bittersweet happiness of course, because, I miss Adalynne so much I can't breathe sometimes. Then I remember, her soul is free from her broken vessel. I walked through the luminaries that lit up the pathways I used to walk with a stroller and an oxygen mask tucked underneath. As I walked around the zen garden taking in the beautiful view I spilled coffee all down the front of me. Like, seriously from my shirt, vest, leggings, leg warmers, and my damn shoes. A long line of warm (at first coffee) I headed to a bathroom to try and dry off some. My path leads me to the stairs. As I went down them I remember a specific memory from Adalynne's stay at the hospice house...
It was a Wednesday, we had a cookout with all our friends and family. One of my friends was holding her and I glanced at Adalynne's face.... she had turned blue once again.. I scooped her up and, went into action. I did everything I normally did when she stopped breathing and then, she eventually started back, little tiny breaths. I put the oxygen mask back on her to help her teeny breaths be as rich as possible. I was sitting on a bench, surrounded by our closest family and friends. My brothers were beside me, and I just lost it. I sobbed and sobbed... they put their arms around me and we all cried together. It was heartbreaking and beautiful. I finally gathered myself and the party continued.
Eventually, she stopped breathing again and I decided it was time to take her back inside. I had her in my arms, my favorite hospice nurse was beside me with the oxygen. As I headed for the stairs fearful of her death my body gave out.. I collapsed to the ground while everyone scurried to us trying to help. I held my dying baby sobbing on the concrete, I couldn't do it anymore. My aunt asked, "Heather, what can I do?!" I yelled" SAVE MY BABY" my eyes poured tears as I could feel my heart breaking even more...
Nothing and no one could save her. That truth was too painful.
Yesterday I walked down those same stairs (with coffee poured all down the front of me.) I thought of that memory and realized, I survived. I am surviving the greatest loss of life. It's hard and messy and, full of migraines from crying so hard. Each day I wake up and get a little bit stronger. It gets a little bit easier to deal with life without her. I don't want to but, I have to.
I'm very proud of myself. I didn't cry yesterday, made cupcakes, walked the gardens, felt her love and remembered how free she is. That freedom is a blessing. The weeks leading up to her death were the hardest for her frail body, she fought a good fight and now, she can see the beauty and her soul can fly freely.
Before I left I took the leftover cupcakes inside. Hoping to give something sweet to a family going through their worst days.. I talked to some nurses and saw a familiar face. One of Adalynne's nurses. She smiled and said she remembered me. As she hugged me she told me she thought of us often. That warmed my heart so much. I thanked her for all she did, there isn't enough thank you's I can give to Hospice and all the nurses who helped us.
They were my backbone and, when I couldn't stand anymore, sometimes, they literally picked me up off the ground and reminded me, I CAN DO THIS. I will survive this, I will be stronger and love harder because of this journey. I'll always look to the sky and be thankful my girl can see the beautiful sky and glimmering luminaries.
I'm very proud of myself. I didn't cry yesterday, made cupcakes, walked the gardens, felt her love and remembered how free she is. That freedom is a blessing. The weeks leading up to her death were the hardest for her frail body, she fought a good fight and now, she can see the beauty and her soul can fly freely.
Before I left I took the leftover cupcakes inside. Hoping to give something sweet to a family going through their worst days.. I talked to some nurses and saw a familiar face. One of Adalynne's nurses. She smiled and said she remembered me. As she hugged me she told me she thought of us often. That warmed my heart so much. I thanked her for all she did, there isn't enough thank you's I can give to Hospice and all the nurses who helped us.
They were my backbone and, when I couldn't stand anymore, sometimes, they literally picked me up off the ground and reminded me, I CAN DO THIS. I will survive this, I will be stronger and love harder because of this journey. I'll always look to the sky and be thankful my girl can see the beautiful sky and glimmering luminaries.
Much love to you all. Hug your babies for me please.
