Baby steps.

I did it again... the internet can be a cruel thing. One moment  your scrolling through your instagram feed then next your sobbing through pictures of children with hydranencephaly who are smiling and older. My mind spins into that spiraling downward fall of Why?
Why,
  why, 
     why!
But no, I can't allow that to happen.
I never felt this while Adalynne was alive. Anger is an emotion I strive to stay in control of. I remember  that word all the doctors used to say to me when she was in my belly. Severe. "Your daughter has a severe case of hydranencephaly." I have to remember that she was different, unique. She didnt smile because she was missing over 2/3rds of her brain. Much more missing than the children I saw still alive.
My sadness makes me feel selfish. Today makes over a whole month of a seizure free chapter for Adalynne. That makes me really happy, but still doesnt fix the hole in my heart. I want the positives to be enough that I don't feel the saddness. I guess it doesnt work like that. I  still havent gone home. Everything changed there... I created this perfect little space for my angel.
Now shes gone. How am I supposed to sleep in a room that I spent nine months half sleeping in for fear of loosing her. I look at her empty craddle and my soul breaks. Ill get there one day..

Fast forward--
I did it, I went home. For like, three days and now I'm in Florida! Home is still so hard for me but, I'm starting to understand  that's okay. My life will never be "okay" and I'll have hard days but then I'll have great days. Just like when Adalynne was alive our good days made the bad ones seem so distant. Its alwaysbhard gettong out of bed knowing ill never see her eyes look at me again.... whew just that tjought brings the tears. But, I'm in an overly priced airport Ruby Tuesdays drinking wine and these lashes are too flawless today for tears. It's time for me to take myself back and take my girl to see the world. The saddness always sneaks in and bad moments happen but I'm ready to feel happy again. Truly happy..I'll do that one high heeled step at a time. I can do this.
Thanks for keeping up with us. More blogs this week of our adventure. Much love to all you beautiful souls, couldn't get through this without you all.

P.s. huge thank you to Bryan Mcgee for this awesome onesie. It's probably my favorite  thing ever. Anyone who wants to see his awesome clothing line please check out 

Abovetheordinaryman.com

To my dearest,

Its 6 in the morning and I'm sitting on the back porch  sobbing. This has been going on for 30 minutes  now and my eyes are tired. I'm tired. Why cant I ever sleep anymore? One month. One whole month without you. At this time a month ago you were just waking up from snuggles with gammie. She really misses you babe. I really miss you. Honestly, a lot of people miss you. I wish I could just live our last day together over and over again. You talked to me all day and never let me get it on video smh stubborn.. I just hear you in my head now. I want to see your face again. Im so thankful for our pictures. Somedays they are the only thing to keep me going. You know that, right?  I still feel you "here" and people tell me that you will always be with me like that fixes anything. It's not the same as holding my perfectly imperfect girl ay? The way you smelled after a bath and coconut oil massage melted my heart, I'll forever miss that. Adalynne, I just wanted to tell you I love you and this past month has been both relaxing and then absolute shit. Saying I miss you doesnt even feel like it even comes close to how I feel but, you know what I mean. Im so happy we had 9 months and 18 days together physically.  Ill never be the same without you.  I'm still trying to heal and rebuild my life. I love you forever and always. Hope to see you in the sky later. Fly peacefully my sweet, warrior.

Mommy

P.s. snuggling your little urn in this bear makes things only slightly better. Miss you always. 

Beauty

I had planned on wrighting on May 15th, but that just didnt happen.  That was my big day last year. The day I met the man who would eventually operate on my daughters brain. He told me she would never dance. She can now. He told me she would never see. She can now. I hope.. Saddness is enviable.  I feel that a lot now, it sneaks up on me. Tugging at my throat, anticipating the moment I burst into tears and let it take over. But then I remember the things she can do now. Her soul is free from her broken vessel.  Maybe to be recycled to a different vessel, a better one. Im so thankful I was able to meet her and hold her. And everyone who told me I would miss holding her more than anything.  Damn you and your precursor I brushed off. You were right. I took her bear out today. It has a tiny urn in it filled with her ashes. I have a necklace filled too. They are my most prizzed possessions.
Today I feel very thankful. Thankful of everyone who has checked up on me and sent flowers, food, or donations. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful people can be. I havent been able to work since the end of my pregnancy.  I was Adalynne's sole caretaker and the financial stress that has caused me has most definitely been softened by all of those who have donated. A thank you will never be good enough to me to describe the emense amount of gratitude I have. And to, two of the best women out there. Thank you for allowing me to stay here. Thank you for helping me understand it's okay. It's all gonna be okay I'll never be able to pay you back for this. Just know that forever my heart will cherish this. Sitting here, listening to the wind while the bunnies play and birds fly by. Adalynne and I just love it.  I love you both so much.  And am looking forward to when you get home.
One day at a time. I can do this. Untill the next post my lovely readers. Much love to all the beautiful souls. 

Chapter Close?

It happened so fast. Her little body just changed almost instantaneously. We knew it was coming... minutes...hours.. maybe a few days tops. My birthday this year was celebrated at the hospice house while I held Adalynne and her limp body.  Holding her was like a flashback to her birth... cold, purple, and limp. Her breaths were so spaced out I had to stop using her breathing alarm or it would constantly go off. They told me this would happen. I knew all the steps leading up to... but it still hurt. Still scared me. I just wanted her comfortable and at peace. But I'll miss holding her every day. Our final day was probably the most beautiful day together. She slept with gammie all night and did just fine breathing. In the morning she continuously stopped taking a breath... 45 secs to minutes of space between breaths. I scooped her up put her in her stroller and took her out into the sunshine and she started breathing just fine. She "talked" to me all day when I would speak to her. We spent the whole morning and afternoon outside.  Anytime we would put her in the shade she would stop breathing. The second the sunshine hit her bare little ribcage she would take the biggest breath and sigh the sweetest relief. Eventually her and I went into one of the sunrooms at KBR and I opened the doors so she would hear the wind and she slept.... so peacefully.. I just watched her little chest rise and fall.. rise and fall.. the rhythm that kept me going for these past 9 months.  Every second watching for another. .. rise and fall... rise and fall... I decided to take her into our room and attempt a nap we had promised each other for a while. Not long after we snuggled up she stopped... no rise and fall... nothing... then she turned purple... I tried everything I had before.  Talking, tickles, wet cold cloths,  even sunshine and nothing. She would take a few gasps here and there. Then.. this cough came out of her body and I screamed, I knew it was happening. I was loosing her. My nurse came in and listened to her and I got the same look and sentence the moment she was born.. She has a heatbeat but no breathing.  Sally,  my nurse told me to call my few close ones to start our phonetree. She told me to just hold her... and I did... I cried and cried and held her and told her it was okay and another huge cough exited her frail body and that was it... or so I thought. I started our song to sing to her and she gasped for air.. one last time.  Then she turned the most beautiful color. And her eyes.. oh her big blue eyes that i miss more than anything.. they looked so peaceful.  So free. She looked so beautiful and peaceful. 

I miss my baby.

This is the hardest thing Ill probably ever go through in my life. Im so thankful for all my friends who came to see us at KBR. The funeral was so beautiful.  I am so proud of everyone involved. I honestly expected a far bigger turnout. I was hurt to not see some of my"friends" there... when things get rough in life we must remember the ones who were there. Yes. Social media is great and I love having that for my family far away. But the people who give up work to stay with you while you cry. Or take you to shop after shop trying on outfit after outfit because I wanted something specific and beautiful for our day. Those are the people I will remember.  The ones I looked at during my speech sitting alone or drove or flew from out of state to be there for me. The hole in my heart is now being replaced by these memories of true love and friendship. I will forever be grateful to experience some of this countys most beautiful people and to have them as part my family.