Baby steps.

I did it again... the internet can be a cruel thing. One moment  your scrolling through your instagram feed then next your sobbing through pictures of children with hydranencephaly who are smiling and older. My mind spins into that spiraling downward fall of Why?
Why,
  why, 
     why!
But no, I can't allow that to happen.
I never felt this while Adalynne was alive. Anger is an emotion I strive to stay in control of. I remember  that word all the doctors used to say to me when she was in my belly. Severe. "Your daughter has a severe case of hydranencephaly." I have to remember that she was different, unique. She didnt smile because she was missing over 2/3rds of her brain. Much more missing than the children I saw still alive.
My sadness makes me feel selfish. Today makes over a whole month of a seizure free chapter for Adalynne. That makes me really happy, but still doesnt fix the hole in my heart. I want the positives to be enough that I don't feel the saddness. I guess it doesnt work like that. I  still havent gone home. Everything changed there... I created this perfect little space for my angel.
Now shes gone. How am I supposed to sleep in a room that I spent nine months half sleeping in for fear of loosing her. I look at her empty craddle and my soul breaks. Ill get there one day..

Fast forward--
I did it, I went home. For like, three days and now I'm in Florida! Home is still so hard for me but, I'm starting to understand  that's okay. My life will never be "okay" and I'll have hard days but then I'll have great days. Just like when Adalynne was alive our good days made the bad ones seem so distant. Its alwaysbhard gettong out of bed knowing ill never see her eyes look at me again.... whew just that tjought brings the tears. But, I'm in an overly priced airport Ruby Tuesdays drinking wine and these lashes are too flawless today for tears. It's time for me to take myself back and take my girl to see the world. The saddness always sneaks in and bad moments happen but I'm ready to feel happy again. Truly happy..I'll do that one high heeled step at a time. I can do this.
Thanks for keeping up with us. More blogs this week of our adventure. Much love to all you beautiful souls, couldn't get through this without you all.

P.s. huge thank you to Bryan Mcgee for this awesome onesie. It's probably my favorite  thing ever. Anyone who wants to see his awesome clothing line please check out 

Abovetheordinaryman.com