A Wave of Light.
October 15th.
It comes every year and this is this first year I realized that today, is basically my Mothers Day. Today, the world lights a candle at 7pm for all the babies gone too soon. It's to honor the memory of all the angel babies and unify the parents of loss.
My usual ritual for this annual evening event is sitting and crying alone at 7 while I light my candles and think of my girl.
Why-
Because she's not here for me to love?
Because she isn't growing up?
Because I don't get to see?
My usual ritual for this annual evening event is sitting and crying alone at 7 while I light my candles and think of my girl.
Why-
Because she's not here for me to love?
Because she isn't growing up?
Because I don't get to see?
Those were my reasons years ago.
Now, I feel peace in her passing.
She. Is. Free.
Now, don't get me twisted in that I still have cried a bit while reading past blogs (that I desperately need to go back and re-edit) and just remembering life with her. It is such a distant memory now... that saddens me. But, I am so happy for her. I am happy she doesn't have seizures or breathing episodes. And to be Frank, I'm really damn happy I don't have to watch her do it anymore. For the most part, I don't have flashbacks or dreams about them anymore either. I have come to really enjoy my "Inactive Motherhood." A term that I had made up for my own self.
I kept getting so wrapped up in the thin line of being a mom and not and in thinking of Adalynne at a shop but then, reminding myself she died. So I came up with my own definition for our story and stopped trying to fit into a precut box.
Now, I feel peace in her passing.
She. Is. Free.
Now, don't get me twisted in that I still have cried a bit while reading past blogs (that I desperately need to go back and re-edit) and just remembering life with her. It is such a distant memory now... that saddens me. But, I am so happy for her. I am happy she doesn't have seizures or breathing episodes. And to be Frank, I'm really damn happy I don't have to watch her do it anymore. For the most part, I don't have flashbacks or dreams about them anymore either. I have come to really enjoy my "Inactive Motherhood." A term that I had made up for my own self.
I kept getting so wrapped up in the thin line of being a mom and not and in thinking of Adalynne at a shop but then, reminding myself she died. So I came up with my own definition for our story and stopped trying to fit into a precut box.
Tonight I'm changing the game.
Today is the day we celebrate. The unique stories of parenthood. The ones that don't always get told because it has a sad ending to a chapter. I urge you to remember, a sad chapter doesn't mean a sad book. Tomorrow will be better.
I missed writing to you all. It's been far too long. Thank you for reading.
All my love in the universe,
Heather.
