Questions

4 months have come and went without you. I miss you more with every breath I take. I am still struggling with day to day life. Even today, I found myself staring at the baby clothes in toys r us holding my tears back then, Gammie reached for my hand and pulled me away. Tears came pouring from my body in response to my heart aching to feel your skin again. To give your sweet cheeks all my kisses. To wrap you in my arms and feel the weight of your head in my hand as I gently cradle your teeny body into my safe embrace.

Another few days have passed without you. And I found myself sitting on a bed crying after all the children had left the party. When will this get easier? When is this going to stop hurting so bad? I...I don't know. When will I be able to see children laughing again and not wish for my own? When can I enjoy life once more without feeling completely empty? I don't know, I have literally no idea when this will become any easier. I doubt it will. How am I going to find a new purpose for losing you? How do I make this better,  I don't know. That's all I can come up with these past days, I don't know. I don't know when I will get my life back, or when my car will finally come out of the shop. I don't even know what I want for lunch, all I want you back. I want that more than anything I could ever get. I want to feel you again moving inside of my stomach, safe, sound and happy but we know we can't have anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be okay I'm trying to get through every day the best I can but it's a really hard babe.

It's now been 5 months... I can't seem to finish my writings these days. Still feeling lost and now, I'm told I'm being "too sad." I don't know how else to act. How many people do I have to act fake around? I have lost all the positives recently. I don't see the rainbow after the storm.
I always see a rainbow.
I always find the silver linings.
Why can't I now?
.....
....
...
..
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Why didn't they take your tissue? That was our purpose and I feel like I let you down. Maybe it was something I couldn't control, maybe not. I'm so sorry baby. I know you wanted to donate as much as I needed to have a silver lining. I don't know what to do now.  What was the purpose of losing you? How do I pick up the pieces of my life when they burned them?
I just have questions now.
I use to have answers.
But now,
Only questions with no response.

One day at a time, right babe? Deep breaths and hugs to get through the days and nights.

I'm trying my best.

Love you always,
Mommy.

Broken glass

Hello all,
I have been thinking of what to write for my next blog and was happy to report I've been doing much better! Things seem to slowly be coming together for me. Slow progress but, progress nonetheless. Been spending much more time dealing with my issues and have found ways to help that. Some of which has come in the form of isolation, I'm okay with that. I am happy to say I'll be running a 5k in honor of Adalynne this weekend. I've been preparing for a while now which has helped my depression. "Working out" sometimes seems like a chore we must do that leaves us sweaty and sore. If you change it to I'm going swimming, biking, hiking, or dancing then I am so down! I've seen a lift in my mentality and have to say overall been feeling slightly happy.
Then I open the mail this morning. A letter from Carolina Donor Services has never daunted me until now. Another "wam pow blow to my ever fading heart and soul."

After extensive testing and evaluation we are sorry to inform you Adalynne's tissue isn't fit for transplant.

My one happy ending. My one hope and dream. My chance to help another mom never feel this pain or a child to die. 3 to be exact. She had the opportunity to help THREE BABIES. I am utterly crushed and devastated. I have clung to this donation since she was born. I met with everyone and talked to all doctors to find out the most information I could to do the best by her. I went through phone call after phone call answering all their extensive questions. And every few months I had to go through  the "just checking on things" phone call. And I'd answer no, she isn't dead yet and think "wait your damn turn". AND NOW THEY DON'T WANT IT. They can't give me a answer as to why they won't accept it. I got an answer of anything thing from her lab work and charts to human error removing the tissue. I'm so fucking angry. I'm so fucking hurt. I have cried all day... I don't even know how to breath currently.  This was my one silver lining. I would say "oh, if we can help save another mother this will all be worth it to me. All the pain, and tears will be worth it to know she saved another life." Now, I have nothing but a pat on the back and a thanks for trying medal. I gave them a piece of my daughter and they are gonna thrown it away like trash. I've never been more devastated in my life reading a letter. All my efforts and hopes thrown away.... and the opportunity to save someone is gone.

Today I am

Shattered.