Questions

4 months have come and went without you. I miss you more with every breath I take. I am still struggling with day to day life. Even today, I found myself staring at the baby clothes in toys r us holding my tears back then, Gammie reached for my hand and pulled me away. Tears came pouring from my body in response to my heart aching to feel your skin again. To give your sweet cheeks all my kisses. To wrap you in my arms and feel the weight of your head in my hand as I gently cradle your teeny body into my safe embrace.

Another few days have passed without you. And I found myself sitting on a bed crying after all the children had left the party. When will this get easier? When is this going to stop hurting so bad? I...I don't know. When will I be able to see children laughing again and not wish for my own? When can I enjoy life once more without feeling completely empty? I don't know, I have literally no idea when this will become any easier. I doubt it will. How am I going to find a new purpose for losing you? How do I make this better,  I don't know. That's all I can come up with these past days, I don't know. I don't know when I will get my life back, or when my car will finally come out of the shop. I don't even know what I want for lunch, all I want you back. I want that more than anything I could ever get. I want to feel you again moving inside of my stomach, safe, sound and happy but we know we can't have anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be okay I'm trying to get through every day the best I can but it's a really hard babe.

It's now been 5 months... I can't seem to finish my writings these days. Still feeling lost and now, I'm told I'm being "too sad." I don't know how else to act. How many people do I have to act fake around? I have lost all the positives recently. I don't see the rainbow after the storm.
I always see a rainbow.
I always find the silver linings.
Why can't I now?
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Why didn't they take your tissue? That was our purpose and I feel like I let you down. Maybe it was something I couldn't control, maybe not. I'm so sorry baby. I know you wanted to donate as much as I needed to have a silver lining. I don't know what to do now.  What was the purpose of losing you? How do I pick up the pieces of my life when they burned them?
I just have questions now.
I use to have answers.
But now,
Only questions with no response.

One day at a time, right babe? Deep breaths and hugs to get through the days and nights.

I'm trying my best.

Love you always,
Mommy.