Broken glass

Hello all,
I have been thinking of what to write for my next blog and was happy to report I've been doing much better! Things seem to slowly be coming together for me. Slow progress but, progress nonetheless. Been spending much more time dealing with my issues and have found ways to help that. Some of which has come in the form of isolation, I'm okay with that. I am happy to say I'll be running a 5k in honor of Adalynne this weekend. I've been preparing for a while now which has helped my depression. "Working out" sometimes seems like a chore we must do that leaves us sweaty and sore. If you change it to I'm going swimming, biking, hiking, or dancing then I am so down! I've seen a lift in my mentality and have to say overall been feeling slightly happy.
Then I open the mail this morning. A letter from Carolina Donor Services has never daunted me until now. Another "wam pow blow to my ever fading heart and soul."

After extensive testing and evaluation we are sorry to inform you Adalynne's tissue isn't fit for transplant.

My one happy ending. My one hope and dream. My chance to help another mom never feel this pain or a child to die. 3 to be exact. She had the opportunity to help THREE BABIES. I am utterly crushed and devastated. I have clung to this donation since she was born. I met with everyone and talked to all doctors to find out the most information I could to do the best by her. I went through phone call after phone call answering all their extensive questions. And every few months I had to go through  the "just checking on things" phone call. And I'd answer no, she isn't dead yet and think "wait your damn turn". AND NOW THEY DON'T WANT IT. They can't give me a answer as to why they won't accept it. I got an answer of anything thing from her lab work and charts to human error removing the tissue. I'm so fucking angry. I'm so fucking hurt. I have cried all day... I don't even know how to breath currently.  This was my one silver lining. I would say "oh, if we can help save another mother this will all be worth it to me. All the pain, and tears will be worth it to know she saved another life." Now, I have nothing but a pat on the back and a thanks for trying medal. I gave them a piece of my daughter and they are gonna thrown it away like trash. I've never been more devastated in my life reading a letter. All my efforts and hopes thrown away.... and the opportunity to save someone is gone.

Today I am

Shattered.