Hello wonderful people. I've actually missed writing. Its been a over week since we moved into the hospice house. Roller coaster junkies, come live my life for this past week. Last weekend was spent with basically every 20-30 minutes Adalynne would just stop breathing. Before, we could stimulate her with things like a cold baby wipe or tickles and talking. Now, nada. Most of my tricks don't work anymore and honestly I stopped trying to keep her going once I watched her die. It was perfect. Me, Mom, Aunt Jess and Aunt Karli all with her. Singing our song to her. Letting her drift off peacefully into her next chapter. But sikeee. She started breathing again after the longest minutes of my life. We went through this over and over and over. Holding her, telling her it was okay to go. I was so scared those few days of this ride. I wasn't ready but I am now. I was numb for the first part of this week while she got better. Everyone around me was getting excited seeing her open her eyes and eat again. Thinking we could go home. I thought I wanted to go home, to have her in our home when she passed. I don't anymore. I don't want her to die in my bed. I love this place. Its so beautiful and it inspires my soul. No one will understand until you've seen it. I like having a nurse here for when I need someone. This time here makes me very happy and proud to have done the first 9 months on my own everyday and night. I was nervous about coming here and thought I would hate it. But I don't. I'm forever grateful to hospice. Without these amazing people I would simply not be able to do this. I've met some of the most amazing nurses through hospice. There is few I hope to continue to see after my chapter closes with this group. I know they will take care of my baby. When she leaves my arms for the last time I want a hospice nurse to take her. As long as I see her leave with them....I'll be okay. We will be okay. All of us.
Her episodes have gotten shorter but now they are just seizures that happen extremely too often. She still continues to stop breathing for extended periods of time. We are just in a waiting game. Waiting for her body to fail completely and her soul to be set free. I can't wait for that moment for her. Pain free. Goodness my heart longs for her to not be in pain or have seizures over and over again. Its so hard watching her go through this. But she still fights. For me, or you all, or herself, I don't know anymore. Adalynne Marcella, my noble beautiful young warrior you have fought a good fight sweet baby. I'm so incredibly proud of you and thank you for letting me be your mommy. I'll continue to update on Facebook with serious changes and write on here when I can.
Thank you to everyone who has loved and supported us. Your messages and comment have and never will be taken lightly. I read and reread some of them when I need to. We love you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment