Balance beam.

***warning of "bad" language***

..."no dalton left, his parents and brother were in a bad wreck"
...what?
*phone rings*
"heather, your parents and Ian were involved in a car accident by the school. Your dad is still pinned in the car, it was really bad. Have you talked to your brothers"
....
.......
*sinks to floor*
No.. no no no.  This is a dream..
I'm dreaming, and must wake up.
Sobs escaped my body while my brain ran 100 circles in my fucking head. 
What... how.. why... WHAT THE FUCKKK
I can't handle this. How can I do this. Oh my. Holy shit. Ian.
"Dalton, hey, what's going on?!"
"Mom n Dad were hit by someone, I don't know anything else. We are headed to the scene"
I can't breathe. This can't happen. What do I do now. How do I handle this.
"Head to the hospital and wait for the ambulance to arrive. Ian is missing"
What the fuck, how do you loose an 8 year old. Where is he? Why can't anyone find him? What the fuck do they mean missing?!
"They aren't scheduled to be coming to this hospital try babtist"
JESSICAAAAAA.
Oh fuck yes my rock is here, brain slow down please.
No.
I can't breathe. Why does it feel like there is no fucking oxygen is the air.
*phone rings*
DAD
"We are hurt bad and almost to the hospital, Ian will be alone. Go find him first."
"Okay, I love you"
How can I do this, what am I going to say. This isn't happening. I can't fucking believe this is happening.  I need to see them. Fucking breathe damnit.
No, it's not okay, stop saying that. I can't loose them too.
*checks every ambulance that pulls on*
No..
No..
Nope...
Not them..
MOM
"MOM, I'm here, everything is going be okay,  I love you,"
"I love you too"
*through the doors she goes*
"Dad, I'm here, I'm going to find ian, I love you."
"I love you too"
Stop thinking. Stop.
Breathe.
No blood. So far..
IAN.
*turns corner*
There is my baby boy.
"I'm okay."
I'm not.
"I was so worried"
I can breath now.

Having anxiety and going through life is a constant battle of calming your mind before doing or thinking of anything. My brain overloads itself to near shutdown at some points.
Strength is taking a deep breath before walking in a room to face your biggest fear. Simultaneously pushing those thoughts away to be delt with later or if at all.
I have now faced two of my biggest fears in life. Loosing a baby. And, over half my family being involved in a life ending car accident.
Through fear and unfortunate events in my life I'm learning balance. A lesson taught to me by the world's best 8 year old. You have to have good and bad to find balance in life. I have to go through these bad things to truly be able to enjoy the good things in life. I find emense joy walking into my living room and seeing them all sleeping peacefully now. Our living room has turned into a mini hospital room. Its full of blankets, pillows, medicines, ice packs and love. Lots of love and pure thankfulness to have them all home and taking on a caregiver role once again.

Plus I think there is more oxygen around here.

Much love to all of you. 💟 💟  Stay beautiful and full of love.

Thank you for protecting my family. 

Rip Sonata.

Windy times.

It doesn't matter how good my day is going or how happy I feel. Grief hits when it chooses too. It will unexpectedly grab at your throat, choking the tears out of your body. Anything can set it off.. a picture, a memory, a simple hat or baby shoes. It doesn't care if you have actually done your makeup or are out to dinner, or shopping. The sinking feeling of your heart dropping into your stomach pulls all your willpower to stop it out of you. Leaving us to feel empty...alone.... and broken.
I know she is "better now" but my heart isnt. The rips in my heart still bleed for her touch and kisses. One more moment to look into her beautiful eyes and hear her sigh at me, would I feel better after that? Probably not. I would have to loose her again. I couldn't say goodbye another time. Atleast now I can see her in the sky or feel her in the small moments. Walking through a store to find exactly her initials layed out for display, the moment the grief tries to creep in my mind.
Sometimes she fights the grief with me. If feels like we battle the grief together.  Her sword is a rainbow on a cloudy day or a shield of purple and red streaks throughout the skyline before the darkness takes over. One last shot at letting me know she's still fighting for us. We promised to give each other All of us, together we can get through this.
The tears still sting my cheeks as I look to the sky to find her. The cold wind whips my hair around like, my soul searching in all directions for something to grasp. Grief won't win today. Love will. I love my daughter with every atom of this vessel carrying my soul. I must let love fill my heart again. If my heart is going to be torn for the rest of my time on this earth, at least those rips will be filled with love and happiness.
Silver lining- crying makes my eyes really pretty.

I. Miss. You 

Christmas letter to my lost love.

Hey sweet baby,
I miss you
Last year we spent the night cuddled up together laying in my bed. I watched you peacefully drift to sleep and cherished that we had made it to Christmas together.  I got one Christmas with you. The best one of my whole life. You were my greatest gift. You morphed me into a superhuman I didn't know I could be.
   We woke up Christmas morning and opened your gifts together. I remember being so upset I couldn't buy you everything I wanted to give you. But you didnt care, you loved me regardless.  Our time together was your gift to me. Mine was to love and care for you unconditionally.  We were such a great team my sweet love. I wish I was putting you to bed and wrapping gifts for you to open in the morning with Ian. Mommy's heart hurts today babe.
   I keep a straight face to the world. Even my friends seem to forget sometimes. I don't want to see baby girl stuff. I still can't go into Targets baby section without my heart shattering into teeny pieces. Damn babe, some nights I can't even sit on this bed without my throat clenching while I blink back the tear waiting to pool and drop onto my cheeks.
  I was doing so well today. Then I stopped and turned and saw the tree I got you. I decorated it with some of your favorite things. I'll put it out for you every year and add more to it each time. It's beautiful and purple, which is our favorite,  obviously.  I know you love the cupcakes and butterflies on it. Gammie set up my village all around it. You know, because even our holiday world revolves around you. 😊

I really miss you.

Thank you for giving me the best memories of my life. You taught me so much in your short time with me. I promise I will never let your light stop shining. Everyone around me can forget but I wont. I will be at every Memorial service, candle light service, and walk to remember my body can take. I will never forget you Adalynne. I promised you I would give you All Of Me and I will never let you down.
Merry Christmas Adalynne Marcella, my true miracle and the best gift I could ever have gotten was waking up with you still breathing on December 25th 2014. I love you forever.

Love Mommy.

 

Shine brighter than a diamond

Hello sweet souls,

  Today is Worldwide Candle Lighting day for all the children across the world who have left our arms too soon. I found out about it just a few days ago and was relieved the Kate B Reynolds Hospice House was holding a candle ceremony.                    
  Last time I was here I ran in, dropped brownies off and left as quickly as I could. Before then... was the day I said goodbye to my warriors broken vessel and let her soul go free. I stood and watched the first sunset my baby girl could see. I remember it so clearly. Bright hues of pink, blue and purple beamed across the skyline. Filling my heart with hope I'd get through this. Reminding myself that she was now painfree and whole. I feel that feeling each time I look up in the sky. My heart still hurts though.
  I thought I would handle tonight so well. I'd light a candle, celebrate her light shining, it would be all good. Then, it came time for me to say her name out loud. I was among all these other families feeling a similar stinging ache in their souls but, saying her name.... I almost didn't get it out. I choked back big ugly sobs to speak the words.
Adalynne Marcella Scherer
Saying it out loud made it feel too real. A type of pain that I can't describe in words. Only the ones of us already known to this feeling understand.
  This was my first one of these types of things. I was extremely happy to have some of my support their with me. They spoke her name and shined her light with me. We cried together and then laughed at Ian who was ready for the doughnuts they served afterwards. He always keeps us laughing when we need it.
  Even though tonight was hard for me I know it will get easier each time.  Next time I'll be able to say her name with a little more ease. This hopefully will be the hardest one I go to. Maybe next time I'll be ready to speak to the other parents instead of holding my bear and breathing back tears. Maybe not, I'm not sure yet. For now, I'll get through each day the best I can. I'll strive to shine the light of my warrior baby each day.
Have a good night sweet souls. Hug your babies tight for me and all the parents who can't tonight. 

Much love,
Heather.

Tick-tock

  Tonight is one of those nights where my mind won't stop and my heart is heavy. Tonight, I scooped up my babybear like I used to hold my baby. I held her head and stroked her back, just like I used to with my baby. We have been laying in bed snuggling while, silent tears run down my face, just like I used to with my baby. It feels the same, yet so different.  Adalynne and I used to be up for hours on end throughout the night. Working through breathing episodes and seizures. Id spend my nights trying to get her to eat maybe 2 ozs over 3 hours, most of the time she would throw it all back up..on me. #Vomsquad Then, we would lay together and snuggle and I'd kiss her all over. She would sigh at me, like the diva she was. I would lay there and silent cry, thinking this could be my last moment with my warrior earthside. Now, I lay here and cry wishing for one more moment.
  Days have gotten easier but, the nights.... oh the nights when I lay alone in my bed are the worst. I still look over for her crib even through its been over 6 months since she was in it. I hear squeaks in our wooden floors and panic thinking "oh no, the breathing episode is starting" but, it's not. It's quiet... and lonely...
   Tonight, I snuggle my bear and try to feel her again. I don't know how parents live after the loss without something to hold on to. This bear holds my hand, and heals my heart. I gave my baby's body to our hospice nurse and she returned to me in this bear. I'm so thankful for my bear...

But damnit I miss my baby.

Tonight is now tomorrow and tomorrow will be better. Deep breaths till I fall asleep, holding my bear as I do everynight. Grief knows no time limit and doesn't care if you're exhausted and fed up with crying. Let it happen naturally and then march on.

All my love readers,

From one sad mommy tonight.

Thanksgiving

Hello beautiful souls,
I hope all of you have been enjoying your families today, and eating tons of good food obviously. Today is a day of reflection of the things most important to us. Over my journey this past year and a half I've started learning to realize what's most important and what I am thankful for. My family, friends, food to eat, and a home to live in. I can go on and on of things I've started appreciating more and more. But, today is slightly different, and deeper than the usual. 

Today, I stopped and reflected once again. What am I most thankful for this thanksgiving without my baby? I've thought about this all day and it finally hit me. I am thankful for my body. This vessel  that holds my soul. This body has been through hell and back and yet, she's still standing. My body grew, carried and delivered my sweet warrior. The place Adalynne loved the most was right on my chest. My body fed my baby for 4 months out of her 9 months alive. This vessel survived nearly dying at 18 in a car accident. And even, multiple surgeries throughout its short existence. 

It's full of scars and stretch marks and will never be as skinny as I want but, I'm healthy.
My body and mind are healthy in a world full is disorders and disease. I would have traded places with my baby girl in two shakes of my hips, but life doesn't work like that. We get what we get dealt and we can't control what our hand will be. I was able to open my eyes, get out of bed myself and go cook breakfast this morning.  Some people can't even do the first of those listed. I'm so thankful for this body and how much it amazes me each day. I'm proud of the progress my body has made and the differences since having my sweet girl. I'm thankful for all types if things each and every day but, today I'm thankful for me.  Thank you body for allowing me to sob on the floor and then push myself up, wipe my eyes and carry on with my day. These moments of weakness followed by strength keep me going. This body gives me hope for the things I can do tomorrow. 

Enjoy the rest of your night with your family and be careful to the shoppers that are about to be out n full force. And, love yourself a little today when thinking of others. Sometimes we overlook ourselves too much. 

All my love readers,

You guys are freaking amazing. 

Purple dress

Hello all my fantastic readers,
Today has been a pretty good day so far. In my happy mood I wanted to share a story with you all that I don't think I've ever mentioned on here. Adalynne's purple dress. Some of you might remember last year we had some wonderful and very close friends get a spaghetti dinner benefit together to help raise money for us (thank you to the Nichols family and friends and everyone who came out to support us. I love you all so dang much.) The family gifted us this purple dress that was so beautiful I obviously cried. We took this beautiful gift that was too big for her tiny body but perfect for pictures to our beloved friend Deborah Hendrix. Deborah is an outstanding photographer that did pictures of Adalynne from birth to hospice. (Another huge thank you and big hugs for her.) These pictures of Adalynne in the beautiful purple and white dress were stunning. I cherish them along with the others each and everyday. As I type this I'm starring at the very picture that sparked this blog today. Fortunately for me and my family Deborah worked with the funeral home after Adalynne passed. She took one of the pictures of my sweet warrior and used it as her portrait for her funeral. It now sits on our mantle for all to see her beautiful face, in the sweet purple dress.
Right after Adalynne died, mom and I were shopping for candles and jars for her Celebration Of Life. We were both becoming overwhelmed with emotions and decided to go ahead and check out. Standing in the line with a cart full of things for my baby's funeral I glanced over at a shelf and saw a cabbage patch doll, with that beautiful purple dress on. I stopped and grabbed mom and pulled her over. We both starred at the blonde hair green eyed little doll, in an exact matching purple dress. Then our song came on over the intercom of the store. Fighting back tears I told mom she had to get the doll. This was Adalynne's way of giving mom her own bear to hold.
All my life my mother has loved cabbage patch dolls. She has a lot of them put up in boxes for years now. But, I used to play with some of them when I was little. Once we came home, mom found a red headed blued doll and put the dress on her. A perfect fit for our sweet warrior.  Now, we have our sweet baby to look at and cuddle. In that beautiful purple dress.

It's funny how the little things can make our day to day life so much easier. I thank my warrior everyday for showing us her light and love.
Hug your babies and loved ones tight, tomorrow is never promised and each breath is precious.

Until next time beautiful souls.

All my love.