Questions

4 months have come and went without you. I miss you more with every breath I take. I am still struggling with day to day life. Even today, I found myself staring at the baby clothes in toys r us holding my tears back then, Gammie reached for my hand and pulled me away. Tears came pouring from my body in response to my heart aching to feel your skin again. To give your sweet cheeks all my kisses. To wrap you in my arms and feel the weight of your head in my hand as I gently cradle your teeny body into my safe embrace.

Another few days have passed without you. And I found myself sitting on a bed crying after all the children had left the party. When will this get easier? When is this going to stop hurting so bad? I...I don't know. When will I be able to see children laughing again and not wish for my own? When can I enjoy life once more without feeling completely empty? I don't know, I have literally no idea when this will become any easier. I doubt it will. How am I going to find a new purpose for losing you? How do I make this better,  I don't know. That's all I can come up with these past days, I don't know. I don't know when I will get my life back, or when my car will finally come out of the shop. I don't even know what I want for lunch, all I want you back. I want that more than anything I could ever get. I want to feel you again moving inside of my stomach, safe, sound and happy but we know we can't have anymore. I don't know if I'll ever be okay I'm trying to get through every day the best I can but it's a really hard babe.

It's now been 5 months... I can't seem to finish my writings these days. Still feeling lost and now, I'm told I'm being "too sad." I don't know how else to act. How many people do I have to act fake around? I have lost all the positives recently. I don't see the rainbow after the storm.
I always see a rainbow.
I always find the silver linings.
Why can't I now?
.....
....
...
..
.
Why didn't they take your tissue? That was our purpose and I feel like I let you down. Maybe it was something I couldn't control, maybe not. I'm so sorry baby. I know you wanted to donate as much as I needed to have a silver lining. I don't know what to do now.  What was the purpose of losing you? How do I pick up the pieces of my life when they burned them?
I just have questions now.
I use to have answers.
But now,
Only questions with no response.

One day at a time, right babe? Deep breaths and hugs to get through the days and nights.

I'm trying my best.

Love you always,
Mommy.

Broken glass

Hello all,
I have been thinking of what to write for my next blog and was happy to report I've been doing much better! Things seem to slowly be coming together for me. Slow progress but, progress nonetheless. Been spending much more time dealing with my issues and have found ways to help that. Some of which has come in the form of isolation, I'm okay with that. I am happy to say I'll be running a 5k in honor of Adalynne this weekend. I've been preparing for a while now which has helped my depression. "Working out" sometimes seems like a chore we must do that leaves us sweaty and sore. If you change it to I'm going swimming, biking, hiking, or dancing then I am so down! I've seen a lift in my mentality and have to say overall been feeling slightly happy.
Then I open the mail this morning. A letter from Carolina Donor Services has never daunted me until now. Another "wam pow blow to my ever fading heart and soul."

After extensive testing and evaluation we are sorry to inform you Adalynne's tissue isn't fit for transplant.

My one happy ending. My one hope and dream. My chance to help another mom never feel this pain or a child to die. 3 to be exact. She had the opportunity to help THREE BABIES. I am utterly crushed and devastated. I have clung to this donation since she was born. I met with everyone and talked to all doctors to find out the most information I could to do the best by her. I went through phone call after phone call answering all their extensive questions. And every few months I had to go through  the "just checking on things" phone call. And I'd answer no, she isn't dead yet and think "wait your damn turn". AND NOW THEY DON'T WANT IT. They can't give me a answer as to why they won't accept it. I got an answer of anything thing from her lab work and charts to human error removing the tissue. I'm so fucking angry. I'm so fucking hurt. I have cried all day... I don't even know how to breath currently.  This was my one silver lining. I would say "oh, if we can help save another mother this will all be worth it to me. All the pain, and tears will be worth it to know she saved another life." Now, I have nothing but a pat on the back and a thanks for trying medal. I gave them a piece of my daughter and they are gonna thrown it away like trash. I've never been more devastated in my life reading a letter. All my efforts and hopes thrown away.... and the opportunity to save someone is gone.

Today I am

Shattered.

Bless

Today I am so incredibly thankful for Carolina Donor Services. I received information today for Adalynne's heart values and tissue that was donated. I hope one day I can reach out to the ones that received our donation to tell them about our sweet warrior. How brave and strong she was and so beautiful. Even though opening a package from them is bittersweet I am so blessed that we were able to hopefully save three babies and three mothers from ever feeling the pain I go through each and every day. This package, this opportunity, is makes it all worth it to me. I hope this will help a family someday. Until then, thank you all for your vast amount of support and love. And for the positive feedback I receive from you all. It keeps me going on my bad days.
My life has been a whirlpool of devastation for two years (longer probably). It seems as soon as I start to stand firm and strong it blows me right down again. I've learned that I can put one foot behind me to lean on when those blows happen. Even if I fall, I can get back up. I do not know the correct way to go through life. I do know that I've been through hell and back and watching my daughters last breath escape her frail body is the bottom. I do not claim to be a perfect person or to go through life happy-go-lucky. I am human. Life is hard. I do not ever wish to spread negativity but people must realize life isn't all ice cream and glitter. Sometimes your cookies burn, ice cream melts and, glitter gets in your eye, and all you can do is cry in an ice cream puddle to get the glitter out. That is okay my friends. Be angry, or sad, or happy. Always remember this WILL pass.  You are strong and bold and unique. I am not here to shine bright like a diamond, because they need to be cleaned too. Not many people really know all the blows I've suffered in my life and if you did you'd look at me like they do.. (wow, you're still standing here smiling) Sometimes, my buns too tight and I'm mean and angry at everyone. I'm sorry, but that's me right now. I wish I could take these feelings away and be strong and happy every second, but I cant. I have accepted the facts I have severe mood swings. Thanks to the pamphlet from the funeral home I learned it's called grief. I stayed positive and strong for a long time with a half fake smile on my face for my daughter. I miss her more than anything in this world. And I'm fucking angry, I want to scream how not fair this is. What did I do to deserve this?!?! Why, why, why!!!!!
The answer is nothing. The voice of her neurosurgeon pops into my head "heather, you can list off all types of things, I'm still going to look at you and say it's a freak thing that happens. A one in a million chance." That's life, shit things happen to people with no reason why. I'd like to say "I won't let this define me" but, I will. This will forever define me as a person. When people ask if I have children I have to decide to answer honestly or lie. I am not a liar, I lost my baby. She was beautiful and very sick and is at peace now. I won't be okay and I'm alright with that. I've said from the start I will try to find and spread as much positivity in the big bowl of shit I can. I will continue to do that. Somehow, someway I'll find my way again. I'll stand tall and make her proud. During this time I will allow myself to feel what it needs to and accept and honor myself and my family(including friends.)
Thank you all for loving me unconditionally. I have learned some can't handle my negative days. These are people I do not need in my life. Please let me be hurt and sad and happy when I am. I don't need to feel like I'm grieving in some wrong way. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm just trying to get through life the best I can.

Stay beautiful, loving and kind my readers.
All my love in the world
-Heather

Late posts

Hello all.
It's been a little bit since I've written, had a lot going on. I ventured to Tennessee last week. We walked around Gatlinburg; explored Dollywood, shopped a little, and then went to Cherokee for a day. I had a blast and the view of the mountains made it even better. I always feel better when I look at the world's beauty and remember my girl can see it all now...
July 10th, the day my world changed last year. I had spent 40 hours in labor and finally got to meet this tiny warrior. I remember it all, the look on the doctors face when she came out limp and purple. I grabbed her and yelled "my baby!" Like everyone in the room didn't just watch her literally come from me... still thought they needed to know I guess. But, I held my sweet, sweet newborn and sang to her for almost 10 minutes or an eternity it felt like  I gave her my everything, and then she cooed with me. Finally breathing. Something most people don't know is I cried almost my entire labor. I cried when they told me to push, I told them no. I didn't want to push, I didn't want to start the journey of loosing her. She was safe in my belly, she would flip and dance all she wanted when i played music to her. I didn't want her to loose that, and even more I didn't want to loose her. That was a Rollercoaster of a day. And on the 1 year mark of it was just as hard. I chose to do something else than have a "my baby would've been a year old" I decided to call it warrior day. I want my family, friends, and myself to not have to be sad every year on July 10th. I want us to celebrate her life, and the change it made on us all. It wasn't the just the day she was born it was the day we all changed for the better. All of our lives dramatically changed, the universe shifted and it churned out a group of strong as bull humans. We are all warriors in our own way and now, we will celebrate that every year. Also, we will have cupcakes to honor my sweet, sweet baby and her extreme love of them.  Our first Warrior Day was spent at Rich Park with all the people who loved her the most. And I'm sure they love me the most as well. I couldn't do it without my family, and in this past year that word has expanded so much. I couldnt be happier that I found a group of people to call family so young. I have a lifetime ahead of me and I know I'll always have these friends to be there when I fall to pick me back up, or sit on the floor and cry with me. I look forward to going through lifes struggles and successes with them all.

I didn't get much pictures of our warrior day. Maybe some others did. All my love to you guys. Thanks for keeping up with me.

Sink

Remember that strength I've told you all I've been feeling? I started working on the room again with my "I can do this" mentality until I found Adalynne's old friend today...  This was THE ONLY toy Adalynne ever used. It smells like her still. My heart is so broken.... I just want to  scream. My heart physically hurts at moments like this, I can't breath and just sink... these moments overwhelm me. Little suckered punches to my heart and soul. She used to snuggle this everynight. I used it to help her little bones not rub together in her sleep towards the end. How can such a tiny thing cause such an emotional breakdown.... it hurts so bad not having her here.

Grief has its waves. Good moments.. bad moments.. I've learned to just accept these moments. I let my body feel what it feels. If I need to laugh, I'll laugh. If I need to cry, I'll cry. In the end I am still in control of my body. We all have these times in our life where we sit on the floor and cry. Mine happen more than most I hope.  I always get up and dry my tears and carry on. I did it her whole life and I'll continue through mine. But right now. Imma cry on the floor and miss my baby. ✌

Letter to my sweet.

Oh my warrior,
It's been 2 bittersweet seizure free months. Mommy misses your sweet kisses and blue eyes.
And your alfalfa sprout,
   and your soft skin
    oh,
      and the way you smelled would send little love butterflies throughout my body. I miss that
My baby. I miss you.
Today was so beautiful right? I can see the moon babe, can you see it now? I really hope so. DC is so beautiful, one of my favorite cities. I could just wander around starring at the architecture till my feet fell off. We're going to Tennessee next week, another place I love yet never got to take you to. We will now, huh babe? We are gonna see the world sweet baby. Me and you, forever. Right?
It's getting easier not having you physically here anymore. Still sucks like a mosquito but those bites heal as well. I feel your strength again Adalynne Marcella. Thank you shrimp.
I love you. Forever. And ever and everrr. (Insert all my kisses and you puff at me)

You know how hard this is for me, thanks for always showing me you're still here. I think I'll forever need it. Love you Adalynne. Xoxoxoxoxox

Love,
your dope ass mom that loves you more than ice cream

Feels

Today,  I don't care. People can stare and whisper. I will carry you and not keep you in my bag. I hope none of these people understand the pain I feel seeing all these children and not having mine here. Anyone that has came in contact with this bear understands the feeling you get when holding her. I need that feeling today. To feel you here again in my arms. Slightly different, but here. Today, I dont care. I am a mother of an angel baby, and I carry around a bear that holds my daughters ashes. Judge away I'm not holding back for you anymore.