Sink

Remember that strength I've told you all I've been feeling? I started working on the room again with my "I can do this" mentality until I found Adalynne's old friend today...  This was THE ONLY toy Adalynne ever used. It smells like her still. My heart is so broken.... I just want to  scream. My heart physically hurts at moments like this, I can't breath and just sink... these moments overwhelm me. Little suckered punches to my heart and soul. She used to snuggle this everynight. I used it to help her little bones not rub together in her sleep towards the end. How can such a tiny thing cause such an emotional breakdown.... it hurts so bad not having her here.

Grief has its waves. Good moments.. bad moments.. I've learned to just accept these moments. I let my body feel what it feels. If I need to laugh, I'll laugh. If I need to cry, I'll cry. In the end I am still in control of my body. We all have these times in our life where we sit on the floor and cry. Mine happen more than most I hope.  I always get up and dry my tears and carry on. I did it her whole life and I'll continue through mine. But right now. Imma cry on the floor and miss my baby. ✌

Letter to my sweet.

Oh my warrior,
It's been 2 bittersweet seizure free months. Mommy misses your sweet kisses and blue eyes.
And your alfalfa sprout,
   and your soft skin
    oh,
      and the way you smelled would send little love butterflies throughout my body. I miss that
My baby. I miss you.
Today was so beautiful right? I can see the moon babe, can you see it now? I really hope so. DC is so beautiful, one of my favorite cities. I could just wander around starring at the architecture till my feet fell off. We're going to Tennessee next week, another place I love yet never got to take you to. We will now, huh babe? We are gonna see the world sweet baby. Me and you, forever. Right?
It's getting easier not having you physically here anymore. Still sucks like a mosquito but those bites heal as well. I feel your strength again Adalynne Marcella. Thank you shrimp.
I love you. Forever. And ever and everrr. (Insert all my kisses and you puff at me)

You know how hard this is for me, thanks for always showing me you're still here. I think I'll forever need it. Love you Adalynne. Xoxoxoxoxox

Love,
your dope ass mom that loves you more than ice cream

Feels

Today,  I don't care. People can stare and whisper. I will carry you and not keep you in my bag. I hope none of these people understand the pain I feel seeing all these children and not having mine here. Anyone that has came in contact with this bear understands the feeling you get when holding her. I need that feeling today. To feel you here again in my arms. Slightly different, but here. Today, I dont care. I am a mother of an angel baby, and I carry around a bear that holds my daughters ashes. Judge away I'm not holding back for you anymore. 

Aaand JUMP!

I had the most amazing trip to Flordia, there is something about family that heals . Maybe it's the unconditional love they have for you or the confidence I get from being around them. Whatever it may be, I'm thankful for it. Without them I wouldn't have experienced the most beautiful place in the world.. (that I've seen so far) 6 and some change hours in a car and we arrived in the Keys. The water is so blue and clear you can completely see through it. When I say breathtakingly gorgeous, I mean it.
I wasn't going to go on this trip. For years I've struggled with my body image, weight and self love. I hated looking in the mirror and bathing suits were torture, until last week. I found something cute and modest that I finally felt pretty in. I've never experienced looking in the mirror in a bathing suit and actually liking what I see. It's rather exhilarating. My body is full of scars and stretch marks and imperfections. I've overcame tragedy and loss with this body. It grew and birthed my daughter.  My tummy was a bed for my sleepy girl and has been there as a shoulder to cry on or a warming hug for family and friends. It held us both up during her seizures and let her go when she passed. It's been with me through it all. Grief and stress cause your body to change. Some grow, some shrink.. but it's still our own vessel that stands up and carries us. In this journey of loss I forgot what it's like to feel strong in my own body. When you hate yourself it's hard to be strong. I'm working on that strength again. This body has done amazing things and it will continue to do so in my life. During my days in the Keys I slashed many fears. I went snorkeling,  kayaking, and even jumped off a huge bridge into the ocean. I saw jellyfish, lobsters, crab, a huge stingray and all types of fish. It was wonderful. I realized then how much has changed. How much I have changed. I have been trying to "get back to how I used to be" I don't want that anymore. I'm different, better, stronger, wiser than I was. I don't want to go back to how I was before Adalynne I want to rebuild myself into a better version of that strong girl i used to be. I want to be a strong woman.
     I am a strong woman.
I spent time starring at the world in all its beauty and cried missing my baby... to never see her grow up and experience this is soul shattering. I must experience this for her. We are together, forever. I used to tell her "It's just me and you babe, forever"  Noone will have the bond I have with her. She was far stronger than I was but now, together, we are unstoppable. I cry less now, I feel that strength again. It took a backburner to my saddness but that's changing.
She can see it all now, pain free and happy. She is probably really proud of me for overcoming my fears and stepping  out of my comfort zone. I hope so at least.

We leave for Washington DC tomorrow for a short trip. Looking forward to going back and learning more. After this, my next trip hasn't been decided so any ideas I'm welcome to.
Hope you all have a superb day. All my love in the world

P.s. take some time today to stop and love yourself. Every person goes through their own hardships and grief. We all deserve a little love and the best is our own.

Baby steps.

I did it again... the internet can be a cruel thing. One moment  your scrolling through your instagram feed then next your sobbing through pictures of children with hydranencephaly who are smiling and older. My mind spins into that spiraling downward fall of Why?
Why,
  why, 
     why!
But no, I can't allow that to happen.
I never felt this while Adalynne was alive. Anger is an emotion I strive to stay in control of. I remember  that word all the doctors used to say to me when she was in my belly. Severe. "Your daughter has a severe case of hydranencephaly." I have to remember that she was different, unique. She didnt smile because she was missing over 2/3rds of her brain. Much more missing than the children I saw still alive.
My sadness makes me feel selfish. Today makes over a whole month of a seizure free chapter for Adalynne. That makes me really happy, but still doesnt fix the hole in my heart. I want the positives to be enough that I don't feel the saddness. I guess it doesnt work like that. I  still havent gone home. Everything changed there... I created this perfect little space for my angel.
Now shes gone. How am I supposed to sleep in a room that I spent nine months half sleeping in for fear of loosing her. I look at her empty craddle and my soul breaks. Ill get there one day..

Fast forward--
I did it, I went home. For like, three days and now I'm in Florida! Home is still so hard for me but, I'm starting to understand  that's okay. My life will never be "okay" and I'll have hard days but then I'll have great days. Just like when Adalynne was alive our good days made the bad ones seem so distant. Its alwaysbhard gettong out of bed knowing ill never see her eyes look at me again.... whew just that tjought brings the tears. But, I'm in an overly priced airport Ruby Tuesdays drinking wine and these lashes are too flawless today for tears. It's time for me to take myself back and take my girl to see the world. The saddness always sneaks in and bad moments happen but I'm ready to feel happy again. Truly happy..I'll do that one high heeled step at a time. I can do this.
Thanks for keeping up with us. More blogs this week of our adventure. Much love to all you beautiful souls, couldn't get through this without you all.

P.s. huge thank you to Bryan Mcgee for this awesome onesie. It's probably my favorite  thing ever. Anyone who wants to see his awesome clothing line please check out 

Abovetheordinaryman.com

To my dearest,

Its 6 in the morning and I'm sitting on the back porch  sobbing. This has been going on for 30 minutes  now and my eyes are tired. I'm tired. Why cant I ever sleep anymore? One month. One whole month without you. At this time a month ago you were just waking up from snuggles with gammie. She really misses you babe. I really miss you. Honestly, a lot of people miss you. I wish I could just live our last day together over and over again. You talked to me all day and never let me get it on video smh stubborn.. I just hear you in my head now. I want to see your face again. Im so thankful for our pictures. Somedays they are the only thing to keep me going. You know that, right?  I still feel you "here" and people tell me that you will always be with me like that fixes anything. It's not the same as holding my perfectly imperfect girl ay? The way you smelled after a bath and coconut oil massage melted my heart, I'll forever miss that. Adalynne, I just wanted to tell you I love you and this past month has been both relaxing and then absolute shit. Saying I miss you doesnt even feel like it even comes close to how I feel but, you know what I mean. Im so happy we had 9 months and 18 days together physically.  Ill never be the same without you.  I'm still trying to heal and rebuild my life. I love you forever and always. Hope to see you in the sky later. Fly peacefully my sweet, warrior.

Mommy

P.s. snuggling your little urn in this bear makes things only slightly better. Miss you always. 

Beauty

I had planned on wrighting on May 15th, but that just didnt happen.  That was my big day last year. The day I met the man who would eventually operate on my daughters brain. He told me she would never dance. She can now. He told me she would never see. She can now. I hope.. Saddness is enviable.  I feel that a lot now, it sneaks up on me. Tugging at my throat, anticipating the moment I burst into tears and let it take over. But then I remember the things she can do now. Her soul is free from her broken vessel.  Maybe to be recycled to a different vessel, a better one. Im so thankful I was able to meet her and hold her. And everyone who told me I would miss holding her more than anything.  Damn you and your precursor I brushed off. You were right. I took her bear out today. It has a tiny urn in it filled with her ashes. I have a necklace filled too. They are my most prizzed possessions.
Today I feel very thankful. Thankful of everyone who has checked up on me and sent flowers, food, or donations. It never ceases to amaze me how beautiful people can be. I havent been able to work since the end of my pregnancy.  I was Adalynne's sole caretaker and the financial stress that has caused me has most definitely been softened by all of those who have donated. A thank you will never be good enough to me to describe the emense amount of gratitude I have. And to, two of the best women out there. Thank you for allowing me to stay here. Thank you for helping me understand it's okay. It's all gonna be okay I'll never be able to pay you back for this. Just know that forever my heart will cherish this. Sitting here, listening to the wind while the bunnies play and birds fly by. Adalynne and I just love it.  I love you both so much.  And am looking forward to when you get home.
One day at a time. I can do this. Untill the next post my lovely readers. Much love to all the beautiful souls.