Tuesday July 8th I went in to Forsyth hospital to begin my
induction process and to soften my cervix. I guess every woman decided to have
their baby during this time so we had to wait for a few hours before we could
even get a room. Finally around 5 ish they started my Pitocin and but it a balloon
type thing to open my cervix, which was excruciating. About 10 hours later and filling the balloon
up more I was only dilated to a 5 when the balloon came out (sweet relief). I was not dilating whatsoever so they
continued to bump my Pitocin up higher and higher. After about 24 hours of labor I threw the
towel in and got the epidural, I really wanted to have an all-natural birth but
my Pitocin was so high my contractions were too intense. My first epidural slipped out too much and
they had to do another one… yay the joy. Finally after almost 40 hours of labor
I was finally to a 10, and was so scared all I could do was cry. I wasn’t ready
for this, I wasn’t ready to start the process of losing her. I wanted her safe
in my tummy and she wanted to stay there. But regardless of what we wanted she had to
come, I had to see her face. I only
pushed for 30-40 minutes and then.. she was here in this cold world. Purple. Dark purple and not breathing. No crying,
nothing, just a limp purple baby. I screamed “there’s my baby!” only to see the
doctor look over at the nurse and shake his head. I took her on my chest and kept asking if she
was going to die and they looked and me and would say things like she has a
pulse but she is not breathing. All through
my pregnancy I would sing John Legends “All Of Me” to her, it was my way of
telling her that no matter what I would love her with everything I had. No matter
what crazy ride she had in store for me I would give it my all as long as she
gave me her all. We would fight, together. So naturally I started singing our
song and rocking her, over and over again.
Finally I saw her tiny little chest lift and fall, and then after 10 or
more minutes of me horribly singing a cappella to my limp purple baby she cooed
with me to the song. My. Heart. Sank. There she was, I knew we could do it. Finally
she started to turn pink and I stopped crying.
I did it. We did it. Or so we thought. We brought my family that was already there in
to see her naturally everyone was crying and in awe of my beautiful
creation. A little after her arrival my
dad left to go get my brothers, the new uncles of a beautiful 7lb 13oz 20 inch
long baby girl born July 10th at 11:33am Adalynne started having
trouble breathing. She kept gasping and
just could not get the hang of breathing. For those that will ask why they
didn’t put her on a monitor or ventilator, I chose comfort care for my child. No
invasive procedures that can cause her any pain are to be done. I want her
short time her comfortable and full of love. After two frantic calls to my
father and jay who left to get his car for work in the morning to hurry and get to the hospital as soon as
possible since the doctors were telling me she would not survive very long. We had
our whole crew in one room gazing at my baby as she struggled for each
breath. My amazing delivery nurse
contacted an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. It’s full of
volunteer professional photographers who come and capture pictures of terminal
babies or still borns for families to have.
A wonderful photographer named Deborah came and took pictures of my
warrior and all of us. (thank you if you ever read this, my heart cannot even
fathom the words of appreciation) Well my warrior fought like we do and with a
little help from some morphine calmed down enough to learn how to breathe. She continued
to do well except for seizures that stopped her breathing but we got to go
home!! Once we got home she has been doing well, has days where she will stop
breathing and with some stimulation will start back up also has tremors. If she gets too cold or has too much stimulation
her episodes start. My heart aches
knowing that one day I may not catch it in time to get her going but I try to
let it go. Knowing you’re going to lose
your child is the hardest thing I have ever faced in my life. Even though she is doing okay most days I know
eventually the hope runs out, she is missing over a third of her brain. She amazes
me with her funny faces and fight. She still doesn’t cry, just opens her mouth
and sticks her tongue out when she gets hungry (cutest thing ever.) I still
sing her our song every day, and I always will.
Having her here is the hardest reality check seeing her beautiful
perfect face and knowing I only get a small time to enjoy it makes me want to
spend every second wrapped in her, and I will until I don’t have her any more. I
want to say the biggest thank you to our family that came up to see her from
near and far to help for a few days, biggest blessing ever I you all so much. Sorry for the late long post, like I said
every second I have is spent wrapped up with my warrior baby. Love to you all
beautiful souls thank you for the thoughts, prayers, and strength being sent
our way.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Yesterday was July 4th!! We had such a fun day and Jay took some amazing photos I've been wanting to do. Besides for enjoying burgers and my personal favorite, watermelon we went and saw some fireworks. Once we came home Jay and my brother Dalton took roman candles and had a Harry Potter duel in the front yard yelling various spells as each spark flew out from the "candle." Typical. : ) Besides for our 4th photoshoot we have done a few others that are finally ready to be shared. Oh and since today is my due date I did a "due date" picture for funsies sharing my love of baking. Probably the next post will be during labor or after I have my sweet little warrior. Hope you all have an amazing night. Love to you all.
July 5th Due Date! |
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Hello my beautiful readers,
Today I realized a few things, first of which I haven’t posted on here in over a month. Sorry, I’ve been super busy getting everything ready, between having my baby shower to finishing the work at the house any free time I have is spent laying in bed watching Castle on dvd. Another thing I realized is the anniversary of my car accident was the 29th of June and it like these past few weeks flew by me. I realized as I was getting ready for my ob apt today that the 4th was tomorrow and I had a flashback to sitting in a wheelchair with my mom standing next to me watching the fireworks in the intensive care hallway of Brenner’s hospital just four years ago. I looked in the mirror and it hit me. Damn woman you are pretty strong. There I was four years ago with a broken elbow, 6 broken teeth, a severe concussion, my right arm shredded to the bone and my jaw broken in two places but I knew then, everything was going to be just fine. I was going to be okay not just okay but I was determined to come out stronger. And I did, I just didn't know it. After suffering from I would say a bit of PTSD I just didn't know if I was that strong woman I hoped to be. But here I am, four years later and I know I am. I probably have never been more sure of myself till this morning. I am facing every single parent’s worst nightmare, the unthinkable, unimaginable disaster of losing your precious child. And even though I have days were I sit on my old friends back porch and cry hysterically at how scared I am, I am okay. I will survive this, we will survive, always do. I have learned its okay to break down and not be strong every second of the day. Those moments are human, I am a human. A 22 year old scared human trying to figure out how to make this “big bowl of shit” into some type of positivity. I know that I will not have my beautiful little warrior for long but if that small time her life is comfortable and absolutely full of love then what an amazing life she will have. Life is short, some even shorter than others but how you spend your life is what matters. And after she has left my arms we have decided to send what we can to other babies who need things to ensure they might have a better chance at life. We get this amazing opportunity to love and give love and that makes my heart and I feel her heart so incredibly happy. I learned today with my July 5th due date suddenly approaching if I do not go into labor by Tuesday I will go in to start the induction process. So in 5 to 6 short days my beautiful little warrior will be in my arms. I get to see her face finally, every ultrasound I’ve had she has had her face covered by a hand or foot and I’ve had A LOT of ultrasounds. Always proving she is in charge and stubborn…….hmmm I wonder where she might get that from… hehe. Now its time to lay down and relax for a bit during this storm. Hope you all have a safe wonderful 4th of July as we celebrate ‘MERICA love to you all beautiful people
Some photos from the shower, I will post some more tomorrow after I do a fun little shoot : )
Today I realized a few things, first of which I haven’t posted on here in over a month. Sorry, I’ve been super busy getting everything ready, between having my baby shower to finishing the work at the house any free time I have is spent laying in bed watching Castle on dvd. Another thing I realized is the anniversary of my car accident was the 29th of June and it like these past few weeks flew by me. I realized as I was getting ready for my ob apt today that the 4th was tomorrow and I had a flashback to sitting in a wheelchair with my mom standing next to me watching the fireworks in the intensive care hallway of Brenner’s hospital just four years ago. I looked in the mirror and it hit me. Damn woman you are pretty strong. There I was four years ago with a broken elbow, 6 broken teeth, a severe concussion, my right arm shredded to the bone and my jaw broken in two places but I knew then, everything was going to be just fine. I was going to be okay not just okay but I was determined to come out stronger. And I did, I just didn't know it. After suffering from I would say a bit of PTSD I just didn't know if I was that strong woman I hoped to be. But here I am, four years later and I know I am. I probably have never been more sure of myself till this morning. I am facing every single parent’s worst nightmare, the unthinkable, unimaginable disaster of losing your precious child. And even though I have days were I sit on my old friends back porch and cry hysterically at how scared I am, I am okay. I will survive this, we will survive, always do. I have learned its okay to break down and not be strong every second of the day. Those moments are human, I am a human. A 22 year old scared human trying to figure out how to make this “big bowl of shit” into some type of positivity. I know that I will not have my beautiful little warrior for long but if that small time her life is comfortable and absolutely full of love then what an amazing life she will have. Life is short, some even shorter than others but how you spend your life is what matters. And after she has left my arms we have decided to send what we can to other babies who need things to ensure they might have a better chance at life. We get this amazing opportunity to love and give love and that makes my heart and I feel her heart so incredibly happy. I learned today with my July 5th due date suddenly approaching if I do not go into labor by Tuesday I will go in to start the induction process. So in 5 to 6 short days my beautiful little warrior will be in my arms. I get to see her face finally, every ultrasound I’ve had she has had her face covered by a hand or foot and I’ve had A LOT of ultrasounds. Always proving she is in charge and stubborn…….hmmm I wonder where she might get that from… hehe. Now its time to lay down and relax for a bit during this storm. Hope you all have a safe wonderful 4th of July as we celebrate ‘MERICA love to you all beautiful people
Some photos from the shower, I will post some more tomorrow after I do a fun little shoot : )
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